Day Twenty-One: "Love is Satisfied in God"

"The Lord will continually guide you, and satisfy your desire." 

Isaiah 58:11

Day 20 was a vitally important day in the Love Dare – and in your life. You came face-to-face with the glaring need of every human heart. Whether this is new territory for you or if you’ve been a follower of Jesus for quite a while, now is the time for you to firm up one thing in your mind: you need God every single day. This is not a part-time proposition. He alone can satisfy, even when all else fails you.

Your husband may be late coming home. Again. But God will always be right on time.

Your wife may let you down. Again. But God can always be trusted to deliver on His promises.

Every day you place expectations on your spouse. Sometimes they meet them. Sometimes they don’t. But never will they be able to totally satisfy all the demands you ask of them – partly because some of your demands are unreasonable, partly because your mate is human.

God, however, is not. And those who approach Him in utter dependence each day for the real needs in their life are the ones who find out just how dependable He is.

There are needs in your life only God can fully satisfy. Though your husband or wife is able to complete some of these requirements – at least now and then – only God is able to do it all. Your need for love. Your need for acceptance. Your need for joy. It’s time to stop expecting somebody or something to keep your functioning and fulfilled on a non-stop basis. Only God can do that as you learn to depend on Him. But He wants to do it His way. “My God will supply all your need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 4:19).

The needs of love, peace, and adequacy are real. No one is saying you shouldn’t have them. But rather than plugging into things that are unstable at best and are subject to change – your health, your money, even the affections and best intentions of your mate – plug into God instead. He’s the only One in your life that can never change. His faithfulness, His truth, and His promises to His children will always remain. That’s why you need to seek Him every day.

Jesus once spoke to a woman at a Samaritan well, a woman who had tried getting her needs met through a string of failed relationships. With both her life and water bucket empty, she had come to this place broken and hardened yet still desperately in need. But in Christ she found what He called “living water” (John 4:10) – a supply that wasn’t just for quenching temporary thirst. What He offered her was a drink of soul satisfaction that never quits giving and refreshing. And that is what’s available to you each morning at sunrise and each night before bed, no matter who your spouse is what they’ve done to you.
      God is your everyday supply. Of everything you need.

The Dare: "Be intentional today about making time to pray and read your Bible. Try reading a chapter out of Proverbs each day (there are thirty-one – a full month’s supply), or reading a chapter in the Gospels (Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John).  As you do, immerse yourself in the love and promises God has for you.  This will add to your growth as you walk." 

The Outcome:  I will be the first to admit I expect a lot from Nate. If left unchecked, my expectations would far exceed anything humanly attainable. But what about the little things? Is it too much to ask for my husband to act like he is attracted to me? Would it be too demanding to ask that he hold my hand or open a door for me? Would it seem too "needy" to imply I'd like hand-delivered flowers once in a blue moon? 

These are all things we women would LIKE for our spouses to do. But is it reasonable, or even fair, to not only expect these things but require them in order for us to feel loved? And what if we take it a step farther and choose to only show them affection after they fulfill our demands. I'm speaking from personal experience. This was me. 

There was a point in our marriage that I decided I would no longer show my husband love because I didn't feel loved. After all, if my love bank was empty, I sure didn't have anything to give to him. It was his fault anyway for acting like I no longer exist. He didn't deserve my affection....or so I thought. The person I wound up hurting the most in the end was myself. I had an opportunity. I could've chosen to love him despite our circumstances. I could've taken things in my own hands and made our marriage better. I could've shown him unconditional love...but a vital component was missing. My relationship with God. Was God still in my heart? Sure. But we hadn't talked in a LONG time. Nor did I care to hear what he had to say about my situation.

In the past couple of days, we've learned that a love that stands the trials of life is unconditional. And it's also unattainable, unless you are first receiving it from God. If he is dormant in your life and in your heart, you aren't actively receiving that love. It's a love that has to be replenished every day. Through a prayer. Through His word. Through music. You have to keep the communication lines open to keep the love flowing. 


Day 21: SUCCESS

19 days and counting...

Day Twenty: "Love is Jesus Christ"

While we were still helpless, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. 

–Romans 5:6

The previous day and dare lead to no other conclusion that this. Thankfully, it’s a conclusion you can live with—today, tomorrow, and forever.

Jesus has come “to seek and to save” you (Luke 19:10). Everything you’ve failed at and haven’t been able to do, every minute you’ve wasted trying to fix things your own way—all of it can be forgiven and made right by putting your life into the hands of the One who first gave it to you. Maybe you’ve never done this. Then today is your day. 

The Bible says we are sinful from birth, from the moment we arrive. “Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin my mother conceived me” (Psalm 51:5). “All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous deeds are like a filthy garment” (Isaiah 64:6). It’s not as though God sends innocent people to hell.We deserve it. We simply can’t be good enough to live with a pure and holy God.

However, “God has sent His only begotten Son into the world so that we might live through Him” (I John 4:9). “Although He existed in the form of god, [He] did not regard equality with God a thing to be grasped, but emptied Himself, taking the form of a bond-servant…He humbled Himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross” (Philippians 2:6-8). “He Himself bore our sins in His body on the cross, so that we might die to sin and live to righteousness; for by His wounds you were healed” (I Peter 2:24). By His death, He made invalid the very idea that you are unloved and devalued. If you ever feel that way, you’re not looking at the cross. He proved His love for you there.

Love like this cannot be fully understood. “One will hardly die for a righteous man; though perhaps for the good man someone would dare even to die. But God demonstrates His own love towards us, in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:7-8).

Nor can love like this be earned. “The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord” (Romans 6:23). “For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; not as a result of works, so that no one may boast” (Ephesians 2:8-9).

But it must be received. “If you confess with your mouth Jesus as Lord, and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved; for with the heart a person believes, resulting in righteousness, and with the mouth he confesses, resulting in salvation” (Romans 10:9-10).

And when you have received this new life and love as your own, you are free to love in ways you’ve never been capable before.

He was willing to love you even though you didn’t deserve it, even when you didn’t love back. He was able to see all your flaws and imperfections and still choose to love you. His love made the greatest sacrifice to meet your greatest need. As a result, you are able (by His grace) to walk in the fullness and blessing of His love. Now and forever.

This means you now share this same love with your spouse. You can love even when you’re not love in return. You can see all their flaws and imperfections and still choose to love. And though you can’t meet their needs the way God can, you can become His instrument to meet the needs of your spouse. As result, he or she can walk in the fullness and blessing of your love. Now and till death.

True love is found in Christ alone.  And after you have received His gift of new life by accepting His death in your place and His forgiveness for your sins, you are finally ready to live the dare.

The Dare: "Dare to take God at His Word.  Dare to trust Jesus Christ for salvation.  Dare to pray “Lord Jesus, I’m a sinner.  But You have shown Your love for me by dying to forgive my sins, and You have proven Your power to save me from death by Your resurrection.  Lord, change my heart, and save me by Your grace.” 

The Outcome: I accepted Christ into my heart when I was seven years old. That was twenty years ago. He came into my life and never left me. But, I left him. Or so I thought. Many times throughout those twenty years, I left him sitting in the deep corners of my heart. He was definitely not my number one priority at those moments. I couldn't enjoy experimenting with drugs with him in the forefront of my heart. I couldn't let him have a front-row view of that! I couldn't allow him to witness me losing my virginity! How embarrassing. I conveniently pushed him aside to sit in the corner while I had my night of fun. In the morning, I'd slide him back over and give him a better view of what was going on. It was for his own good. After all, it might hurt him if he sees me doing the things he came to save me from. 

Sounds silly, huh? Maybe even childish. When we get honest though, we live that way sometimes. We makes choices to engage in things we know God would have us walk away from. Getting drunk and making a fool of ourselves. Loosing control during an argument and lashing your spouse with your words. What about the deep stuff? Adultery. Pornography. Drugs. The stuff people pretend don't exist and then gasp when they see it happen to someone else, as if they've never gotten their hands dirty.

"I can push God away long enough to get wasted tonight and sleep around."

"Maybe God is busy with other people long enough for me to look at this pornography."

"God won't mind me taking a hit, or fifty, off this joint...after all, he wants my mind to be at ease."

As a Christian, the hardest thing you'll ever do is willingly sin. At least at first, until you silence his voice enough to where you barely hear it anymore, let alone feel His presence in your heart. That's an awful place to be. I've been there. The worse part about it? He will come back. You will come to a point where it catches up to you, where you hear that gentle knock on your heart again, "Danielle, can I please come back into the center? It's awfully dark in this corner. I already know what happened. I already know what you did. Now, can I move back in so we can fix this?"

God is bigger than the walls of your heart. He sees everything. He knows everything. He knew before He died for you what mistakes you were going to make, how many times you would try and replace Him, and how many times you would come back. He did it for the times He knew you would return. Even if you gave him a backseat in your life for years, He gave His life for that one time you would return. Because that ONE time you come back, reeeeeallly come back, means a difference of life or death...forever. 

 Day Twenty: SUCCESS

Half way there...

Day Nineteen: "Love is Impossible"

Let us love one another, for love is from God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. 

–I John 4:7

The Love Dare starts with a secret. And though it’s been an unspoken element throughout each day, you’ve likely grown more and more suspicious of it all the time. Now that you’re this far, it’s a secret you’re discovering for yourself, even if you haven’t exactly known how to put it into words.

The secret is this: you cannot manufacture unconditional love (or agape love) out of your own heart. It’s impossible. It’s beyond your capabilities. It’s beyond all our capabilities.
You may have demonstrated kindness and unselfishness in some form, and you may have learned to be more thoughtful and considerate. But sincerely loving someone unselfishly and unconditionally is another matter altogether.

So how can you do it? Like it or not, agape love isn’t something you can do. It’s something only God can do. But because of His great love for you—and His love for your spouse—He chooses to express His love through you.

Still, you may not believe that. You may be convinced that with enough hard work and commitment, you can muster up unconditional, long-term, sacrificial love from your own heart. You want to believe it’s in you. But how many times has your love failed to keep you from lying, from lusting, from overreacting, from thinking evil of this person you’ve vowed before God to love for the rest of your life.

How many times has your love proven incapable of controlling your anger? How many times has your love motivated you to forgive or brought about a peaceable end to an ongoing argument? It’s this failure that exposes mankind’s sinful condition. 

You can’t give what you don’t have. You can’t call up inner reserves and resources that aren’t there to be summoned. In the same way that you can’t give away a million dollars if you don’t have it to start with, you cannot pay out love in greater measure than you own. You can try, but you will fail.You need someone who can give you that kind of love.

When you surrender yourself to Christ, His power can work through you. Even at your very best, you are not able to live up to God’s standards. But He “is able to do far more abundantly beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works within us” (Ephesians 3:20). That’s how you love your spouse.

Perhaps you’re already a believer, but you would admit that you have walked away from fellowship with God. You’re not in the Word, you’re not in prayer, maybe you’re not even in church anymore. The love you used to feel coursing through your veins has dwindled into apathy.The truth is, you can’t live without Him and you can’t love without Him. But there is no telling what He could do in your marriage if you put your trust in Him.

The Dare: "Look back over the dares from the previous days. Were there some that seemed impossible to you? Have you realized your need for God to change your heart and to give you the ability to love? Ask Him to show you where you stand with Him, and ask for the strength and grace to settle your eternal destination. What do you believe God is saying to you? Is there a stirring in your heart? What decision have you made in response to this?"

The Outcome: ""Day Two and Counting..." was by far the toughest couple of days for me. I am a very, most times OVERLY opinionated person. To ask me to keep positive or say nothing at all is like asking me to sit in a pot of boiling water and not jump out. It's just not logical to me. Even though that dare was only for the day, I know the concept is supposed to be forever. I know it's in the best interest of my marriage to follow it. I also know, without God's inner voice telling me to 'Shut up!', I would screw up a lot more than I normally would. I am thankful for His presence in my life and my marriage. Do I always listen? No. Would it save me an argument or two if I DID listen? You bet. 

This day was interesting to me because it really makes you think about the days you've completed and how surface-based they were. Sure, I can fold some clothes or make a lunch for Nathan. I can definitely keep my mouth shut for a day. I can vow to fight by the rules. I can strive to not irritate him for 24 hours. But can I keep that up for a lifetime? If I'm being honest, I'm going to say no. I can't keep all these rules and guidelines every second of my day. I'm not going to feel like making his lunch every day of the week. 

It's the same with God. I can't live up to his standard of "good." I can't go my whole life and not slip up. That's where grace comes in:

G.od's 

R.iches 

A.t 

C.hrist's 

E.xpense

Because Jesus died on the cross for me, I now have God's power in my hands. I now have the choice to tap in to his resources for love. I can finally love Nathan the way I'm supposed to...if I daily yield myself, and my stubborn will to him.

Day Eighteen: "Love Seeks to Understand"

"How blessed is the man who finds wisdom, and the man who gains understanding."

 – Proverbs 3:13

"When a man is trying to win the heart of a woman, he studies her. He learns her likes, dislikes, habits, and hobbies. But after he wins her heart and marries her, he often stops learning about her. The mystery and challenge of knowing her seems less intriguing, and he finds his interests drifting to other areas.

This is also true in many cases for women, who start off admiring and building respect for the man they desire to be with. But after marriage, those feelings begin to fade as reality reveals that her “prince” is a flawed and imperfect man.

Yet there are still hidden things to discover about your spouse. And this understanding will help draw you closer together. It can even give you favor in the eyes of your mate. “Good understanding produces favor” (Proverbs 13:15).

Consider the following perspective: if the amount you studied your spouse before marriage were equal to a high school diploma, then you should continue to learn about your mate until you gain a “college degree,” a “master’s degree,” and ultimately a “doctorate degree.” Think of it as a lifelong journey that draws your heart ever closer to your mate.

Some of the problems you have in relating to your spouse are simply because you don’t understand them. They probably react very differently to certain situations than you do, and you can’t figure out why?

These differences – even the ones that are relatively insignificant – can be the cause of many fights and conflicts in your marriage. That’s because, as the Bible says, we tend to “revile” those things we don’t understand (Jude 10).

There are reasons for his or her tastes and preferences. Each nuance in your spouse’s character has a back story. Each element of who he is, how he thinks, and what he’s like is couched in a set of guiding principles, which often makes sense only to the person who holds them. But it’s worth the time it will take to study why they are the way they are.

If you missed the level of intimacy you once shared with your spouse, one of the best ways to unlock their heart again is by making a commitment to know them. Study them. Read them like a book you’re trying to understand."

The Dare: "Prepare a special dinner at home, just for the two of you. The dinner can be as nice as you prefer. Focus this time on getting to know your spouse better, perhaps in areas you’ve rarely talked about. Determine to make it an enjoyable evening for you and your mate."

The Outcome: I struggled with this dare. We couldn't exactly have a "just the two of you" dinner on a weeknight when we have our son. I debated whether to hold this dare until the weekend where we could be alone, or include Owen because he is a part of us. I decided to include the little munchkin and I'm glad I did. He helped me get the table ready with candles and thought Daddy would very much enjoy our Perry the Platypus-carved pumpkin as the centerpiece. Why not?! We got the table set and decided to call in Nathan's favorite meal: Japanese. He could be in the worst mood ever but you throw some fried rice and white sauce his way, he's all smiles. 

We go out, pick up the food and rush home before Nathan gets there. I get the plates all ready, complete with Nate's mound of fried rice swimming in white sauce, and a nice cold Coors Light (his ultimate "unwind" meal)...complete with disposable plates. Owen decides this should be a surprise so we hide behind the counter when we hear the garage door opening. As we are sitting, giggling at how surprised Daddy will be, Owen says, "Mommy, since we have candles we should sing 'Happy Birthday' to Daddy!" Once again, why not?! We already have Perry the Platypus joining us for dinner, what's a little birthday jingle going to hurt? Daddy walks in and is so surprised. We sing 'Happy Birthday', blow out the candles (duh...that's what you do at parties), and eat in the dark. 

It was a perfectly imperfect dinner with our family...and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

Day Seventeen: "Love Promotes Intimacy"

"He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."

– Proverbs 17:9 

Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, love, and accepted. We want people to know your name, to recognize us when they see us, and to value who we are. The prospect of sharing our home with another person who knows us down to the most intimate detail is part of the deep pleasure of marriage.

Yet this great blessing is also the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at a depth we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It’s both the fire and the fear of marriage.

If home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else. Perhaps you might look to another person initiating a relationship that either flirts with adultery or actually enters in. You may look for comfort in work or outside hobbies, something that partially shields you from intimacy but also keeps you around people who respect and accept you.

Some of these secrets may need correcting. Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repair – not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support.

Some of these secrets just need to be accepted. They are part of this person’s make-up and history. And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.

In either case, you and you alone wield the power either to reject your spouse because of this or to welcome them in – warts and all. They will either know they’re in a place of safety where they are free to make mistakes, or they will recoil into themselves and be lost to you, perhaps forever. Loving them well should be your life’s work.

The reality of intimacy always takes time to develop, especially after being compromised. But your commitment to re-establishing it can happen today – for anyone willing to take the dare.

The Dare: "Determine to guard your mate’s secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe."

The Outcome: It is taboo to think your mate will not have a past. Love isn't blind to the reality that you were not always the first priority in your spouse's life. After all, you didn't meet them at three years old and vow to be theirs from that day on. Other people, other interests, other desires were there before you were. One thing you don't anticipate is  your past catching up with your present reality. 

I know most things about Nathan, past and present. His struggles. His fears. His likes and dislikes. He knows the same about me. When we married seven and a half years ago, we were on cloud nine. Nothing and no one could stand in our way. There was no other priority (interest or person) that could rival the passion we had in our hearts for one another. That was seven years, many disappointments, many broken promises and many heartaches ago. 

Something happened somewhere in between those years. We got lazy. We stopped learning about each other. We allowed struggles and temptations of our past to sway us from the road we had traveled down together. Things pulled us away from each other. We reached a point where we weren't sure we could, or even wanted, to return to that road again. Our pasts that had obviously not been dealt with entirely, came into our present and haunted our marriage. Things we thought were hashed out and dealt with a long time ago suddenly resurfaced to prove to us we had just buried them. 

If you don't handle the demons of your past, they will resurface. Whether it's an addiction you struggled with, a relationship that wasn't completely severed, a deep hurt you never mended...it will come out at the most opportune time. Take the time you need to heal. Let God clean up the mess in your past. It will allow you to live a much freer future. Help your mate walk through their closets. Maybe they have skeletons they didn't even know existed there. The couple that works together, heals together.


DAY SEVENTEEN: SUCCESS

23 days and counting...

Day Sixteen: "Love Intercedes"

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. 

– 3 John 2

"You cannot change your spouse. As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be. But that’s what most couples spend a large part of their time trying to do – change their spouse.

Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But isn’t that what happens when you try to change your mate? It’s frustration at the highest level. At some point you have to accept that it’s not something you can do. But here’s what you can do. You can become a “wise farmer.”

A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. But he can plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. Millions of farmers have made a livelihood from this process over the centuries. They know that not every seed sprouts. But most will grow when planted in proper soil and given what they need.

There is no guarantee that anything in this book will change your spouse. But that’s not what this book is about. It’s about daring to love. If you take the Love Dare seriously, there is a high likelihood that you will be personally changed from the inside out.

And if you carry out each dare, your spouse will likely be affected and your marriage will begin to bloom in front of your eyes. It may take weeks. It may even take years. But regardless of the soil you’re working with, you are to plan for success. You are to get weeds out of your marriage. You are to nurture the soil of your mate’s heart and then depend on God for the results."

The Dare: "Begin praying for your spouse’s heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage."

The Outcome: I have spent a lot of time on my knees (literally and figuratively) over the past couple of years. I have to be honest, if not for the hours I spent in prayer, I don't know Nathan and I would've made it through the hard times we faced back then. On the outside, some marriages seem to have it all together. It's usually the ones you least expect would have problems, that do. More often than not its the ones who portray everything is perfect in their little world that struggle the most. 

That was us. We were struggling to stay above water. Not many people knew the issues we were struggling through. When the "fit hits the shan", and eventually it does, there will be quite a few shocked people. It's easier to be yourself than to put on a facade. It makes people feel comfortable knowing they aren't alone. It helps them work through their own issues when they know you've conquered the same ones. It makes others feel like less of a screw-up. And honestly,it gives them something to do. Something to pray about...or unfortunately, something to gossip about. What they do with your confession isn't up to you. If they choose not to forgive or accept you for who you are, flaws and all, that's their choice. Life is lived a lot easier when you take off the mask. 

“There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.” 

Day Fifteen: "Love is Honorable"

"Live with your wives in an understanding way … and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life."

1 Peter 3:7

"When two people marry, each spouse becomes “holy” to each other by way of “holy matrimony.” This means no other person in the whole world is supposed to enjoy this level of commitment and endearment from you. Your relationship is like no other. Your share physical intimacy with only her, only him. You establish a home with this person. You bear your children with this person. Your heart, your possessions, your life itself is to be wrapped up in the uncommon bond you share with this one in individual.

Perhaps you don’t feel this way and maybe for good reason. Perhaps you wish some outsider could see the level of disrespect you get from your wife or husband – someone who would make your mate feel embarrassed to be exposed for who they really are behind closed doors.

But that’s not the issue with love. Love honors even when it’s rejected. Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return."

The Dare:  "Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."

The Outcome:  Nathan showed me honor by listening. He paused ESPN, looked me in the eyes, and listened to something important I needed to talk to him about. It was definitely an uncomfortable conversation for him, but it was needed. He usually can hide behind the TV or play it off with a joke, but this time he sat...and listened. I honored Nate in a way that meant a lot to him also...however, it is not "G-rated" and this blog is, so the details will stay between us:)

DAY 15: SUCCESS

25 days and counting...

Day Fourteen: "Love Takes Delight"

"Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life."

Ecclesiastes 9:9

"A newlywed takes delight in the one they now call their spouse. Their love is fresh and young, and the hopes for a romantic future linger in their hearts. However, there is something just as powerful as that fresh, new love. It comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love him or her no matter how long you've been married. In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it's a truer love because it has its eyes wide open.

Left to ourselves, we'll always lean toward being disappointed. She'll get on your nerves. He'll aggravate you. But our days are too short to waste in bickering over petty things. Life is too fleeting for that. Instead, it's time to lead your heart once again to delight in your mate. Accept this person- quirks, flaws and all-and welcome him or her back into your heart."

The Dare: "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."

The Outcome: A few years ago, Nathan and I found ourselves at a crossroads. The road in front of us said, "Impossible," the road to the right said, "Divorce," and the road to the left said, "Misery." You may have or may one day be standing at this same intersection where you have a choice: throw in the towel and give up or fight for a marriage that you have almost checked out of? One doesn't close their eyes and awake to see themselves at this place. It takes a long walk down Disappointment Road to land there. Along that road are broken promises, many stops and lingering visits in the Depreciation Room, dangerous battlefields where words were spoken like venom. They are all landmarks that you visit along the lonely, winding road that dead ends at the Crossroads. 

We had a choice. We didn't make the choice to walk down Impossible Road because of our "feelings." At that point, our feelings had run dry. We weren't sure what love felt like anymore but we knew it didn't thrive in our hearts at the moment. We made a decision based on choice instead of feeling. We decided to push through, walk down an impossible road, together...and know that God is the God of Impossible. All things ARE possible with Him.

I believe in a God of restoration. I knew the same power that resurrected Jesus from the grave could resurrect my dying marriage. I'm pleased to say that it did. Our choice made out of a decision, later became a choice we stayed in because of feelings. Feelings we thought were long dead. Ones we never thought we'd experience again. We, along with God, led our hearts out. There will be days when we make choices more out of decision than feelings, but there will never be a day that we will allow our hearts to once again drift down Disappointment Road.

For yesterday's dare, I decided to not write my blog for the day (which means I will have to write two today). I instead chose to spend time with Nathan and our family at my wonderful nephew's birthday party. We decided to just enjoy each other.

DAY 26: SUCCESS

25 days and counting...

Day Thirteen: "Love Fights Fair"

"If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand."

Mark 3:25

"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off a cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes."

The Dare: "Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs."

The Outcome: This is a subject Nate and I rarely consider until we are in the heat of battle, then it's too late to implore logical reason. I can hear you gasping as you read, "You and Nate fight?!?!" YES! We have many heated battles. We are two very strong-willed, stubborn people. There is bound to be some interesting fights. We are good at putting our arguments on hold in social settings, though. Which is why some people (except those closest to us) think we must never argue. Well, now that the cat is out of the bag, I will take it one step further. I, Danielle Burlison, am a "name-caller" during battles. I'm not talking cursing, I'm talking childish words that I used when I fought with my brothers, "stupid, idiot, dumby, etc..." What can I say? The only practice I've had in arguments is with my brothers and those words always seemed to work back then! I know, I know. It's not something I'm proud of or care to admit to the blogging/Facebook world, but if this blog is about being real and helping people understand they are normal, then my pride has to be set aside. 

Needless to say, our number one rule to fighting fair is, "No name-calling." If I'm honest about the reasons I call names, it would be to try and find the best word to hurt Nathan. Do I love him? Of course. Would I rather kill him during some arguments? You bet. We've learned through this book, and by slowing down and thinking about our life together, that love doesn't try to cut each other down "in the moment." Love decides to lose the battle in order to win the war. Love fights fair...

DAY THIRTEEN: SUCCESS

27 days and counting...

Day Twelve: "Love Lets the Other Win"

"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others."

Phillipians 2:4

The Dare: "Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."

The Outcome: Oddly enough, we didn't have ANY situation arise that turned into a disagreement. Before you say, "that is amazing, they must have the perfect relationship," let me kindly correct you...we don't! We have our battles...and I mean "knock down drag out" battles. We have fundamental differences on things, but we also disagree on the little things sometimes. I love the room to be cold so I can snuggle under the covers at night. Nathan freezes with the fan on. Last night, (and the night before, i might add) I put his preference first and slept with the fan off. Hey, it's not much, but it's a start!

"No, you won't always see eye-to-eye. You're not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary. Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won't have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from."

DAY TWELVE: SUCCESS

28 days and counting...

Day Eleven: "Love Cherishes"

"Husbands ought to also love their own wives as their own bodies."

Ephesians 5:28

The Dare: "What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, 'I cherish you' and do it with a smile."

The Outcome:  For the last month, Nate has been put on what we call "Concierge Duty." For 3 months out of the year everyone employed within his company is on rotation to work in the Concierge. His normal workday begins at 8:30 and ends around 4:30. During "Concierge Duty," he leaves the house by 7 a.m. and doesn't get home until about 6:00 p.m. That's working in Marietta for you. He is usually pretty rushed to hurry home, change clothes, squeeze in a quick workout, and try to get back home before Owen goes to bed at 8 p.m. For my "dare" today, I decided to make his lunch (which he usually does after Owen goes to bed). Sure, it only took ten minutes to put all SIX of his meals together, but it was a gesture to show him I cherish his time at home with us.

We had a late night tonight. We cleaned house late, ate dinner late, got Owen into bed late and I could feel the tension starting inside of me (I tend to get stressed when my house isn't clean by 8 p.m, and it's 9 p.m. at this point). I got Owen ready for bed and laid down with him to have our nightly bedside chat. I was there physically but my mind was focusing on everything I still needed to get done before I retired for the night. Clean the kitchen. Pick up toys. Straighten up the living room...blah, blah, blah. As I kissed Owen good night, said his bedtime prayers and walked out the door, I saw the house was spotless and Nate was directing me towards the bathroom where steam from the hot bubble bath had already fogged the mirrors, a soft smell of cotton filled the room from the candles and my chilled glass of wine sat on the table next to the bathtub...HEAVENLY! Feeling of being cherished....accomplished:)

DAY ELEVEN: SUCCESS

29 days and counting...

Day Ten..."Love is Unconditional"

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8

The Dare: "Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

 The Outcome: I think we BOTH blew this dare out of the water! I noticed while heading out to the gym yesterday afternoon that I had a screw sticking out of my tire by about an inch and a half, which translated to me going nowhere. I didn't want to risk the screw falling out while driving, then consequently being tested on my tire-changing skills which are definitely non-existent. I called Nate and he called every place in town and no one seemed to have my tire in stock. We finally found someone who had what we needed, however it involved a drive to Kennesaw to get it...at 6:30 in the morning the next day, on my day off. There was NOTHING pleasant about having to wake up my four year old, get him dressed for the day, and go sit in a waiting room at a tire place for an hour or so at the buttcrack of dawn. After getting everything ready to go first thing in the morning, I went out in the garage and saw Nate was changing my tire to the spare. He then informed me he had let his employer know he would be in late. He left his car for me to drive for the day, and took my car to Kennesaw and waited for them to finish the tire, then took my car to work. This would mean he would inevitably have to work through lunch. 



Owen and I decided to venture out to his work, which was an act of God that we ever arrived, seeing how I could get lost driving from my work back home. We hand delivered to him an Arby's Market Fresh sandwich (his favorite) and a Red Bull (his second favorite) at work. He was not only surprised I took the time to FIND his work (hey, in my defense he isn't always at the concierge, he's usually working from his car), but also took time out of my day to bring him some little "pleasures." Owen and I visited a while, then came back home. While Owen napped, I slaved over a weeks worth of unfolded laundry. Whew! I never thought folding, separating and hanging laundry could possibly take up a full hour and a half. It was like a breath of fresh air to have it done though!

DAY TEN: SUCCESS

30 days and counting...

Day Eight and Nine...

‎"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." 

_Song of Solomon 8:6_

Day Eight: "Love is Not Jealous"

The Dare: "Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."

The Outcome: I didn't "physically" burn the negative list I had written, mainly because I thought it would be kind of cheesy, but I did throw it out and refuse to focus on it any longer. I won't live in denial that there is a list that exists, whether written or not, for myself and for Nathan. In our human nature, we can't help but notice each others shortcomings along the way. But to the same degree I know there is a list, I believe just as much that I have a choice in the matter. I have a choice to dwell on it or pray on it. I'm choosing to love. I'm choosing to lead my heart. I'm choosing to pray on it. 

Day Eight: SUCCESS

32 days and counting...

"Greet one another with a kiss of love."

1 Peter 5:14

Day Nine: "Love makes good impressions."

The Dare:  "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."

The Outcome:  This was actually really tough for me, as it would be for most people who have been married for almost eight years. You see each other day in and day out. You wake up together. You go to bed together. You spend every day together other than work. You get used to each other. Now, I personally am not a "lovey dovey" person. I don't care to give hugs and make out every time I see my husband. It's not that I don't love him or don't feel attracted to him, it's just that I've gotten used to seeing him everyday. Nathan leaves on Catastrophe Duty roughly 3 times a year, for two to three weeks at a time for work. I've definitely learned "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I tend to hug him a little longer before he leaves, kiss him a little more tenderly, find small talk...anything to keep him there a second longer. When he returns back home, it's like a dream come true. The butterflies flutter again. The challenge today made me realize how important it is to express my "passion" for him on a daily basis, not on the occasion he's going away or returning. Those are great times to convey my heartfelt enjoyment, but if I only react this way during those times, he would only receive that kind of affection three or so times a year! That's not healthy...or acceptable. Challenge accepted!

DAY NINE: SUCCESS 

31 days and counting...

Day Seven: "Love Believes the Best"

"Love believes all things, hopes all things."

1 Cor. 13:7

Up to this point, I have been summarizing our "Love Dare" journey, but this day in particular really hit home for me. It sank in deep. Maybe because I could see my past self in it, maybe because its so brutally honest, maybe because we've come so far...whatever the case, Day Seven was a tear-jerker for me and a MUST read for every one who is or one day will choose to be married. 

"In the deep and private corridors of your heart, there is a room. It's called the Appreciation Room, where your thoughts go when you encounter positive and encouraging things about your spouse. And every so often, you enjoy visiting this special place. On the walls are written phrases like "honest" and "intelligent," "beautiful" or "diligent worker." They are things you've discovered about your spouse that have been embedded in your memory, things that were likely written in the first stages of your relationship. The more time you spend in this room, the more you appreciate your spouse.

You may have found you don't visit this room very much anymore. That's because there is another room nearby that's competing for your attention: the Depreciation Room. Unfortunately, you visit there often. On it's walls are written things that bother or irritate you about your spouse. These things were placed there out of frustration, hurt feelings and disappointments. This room is lined with the failures and weaknesses of your spouse. If you stay in this room long enough, you get depressed and start expressing it. 

Emotional injuries and bitterness fester here. 

People fall out of love here. 

But know this. Spending time in the Deprecation Room kills marriages. Divorces are plotted in this room. The more time you spend here, the more your heart devalues your spouse. It begins the moment you walk in the door, and your care for them lessens by the second. 

You may feel these negative things are all true, but so are the things in the Appreciation Room. Everyone fails. Everyone has unresolved issues, hurts, and baggage. That is called being human. 

Let's get down to the real issue here. Love knows about the Depreciation Room and does not live in denial that it exists.

 But love chooses not to live there. 

You must decide to stop running to this room and lingering there after every argument in your relationship. It does you no good and drains the joy out of your marriage. 

Love chooses to believe the best about people. It gives them the benefit of the doubt. It refuses to fill in the unknowns with negative assumptions. And when our worst hopes are proven to be true, love makes every effort to deal with them and move forward.

It's time to think differently. It's time to let love lead your thoughts and your focus. The only reason you should glance in the door of the Depreciation Room is to know how to pray for your spouse. And the only reason you should enter is to write "COVERED IN LOVE" in huge letters across the wall.

It's time to move into the Appreciation Room, to settle down and make it your home. Your spouse is a living, breathing, endless book to be read. Dreams and hopes are yet realized. 

It is a decision you make, whether they deserve it or not."

The Dare: "Get two sheets of paper. One the first one, write out positive things about your spouse. On the second, write out the negative things. Place both sheets in a private place for another day. There is a purpose and plan for each. At some point during the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic."

The Outcome: The reading alone for this day really sparked an interest in Nate and I. It's funny when it's put into imagery like that, you realize how true it is in your life, and more importantly your heart. We've made our lists and we are vowing to spend more and more time in the Appreciation Room. I'm excited to see what is to come with our "lists."

DAY SEVEN: SUCCESS

33 days and counting...