Though He Slay Me...Will I Trust Him?

Sickness scares me. The thought of tragedy makes my heart skip a beat. When I slow down and get quiet, I can hear the dialogue in my head and the whispers behind my thoughts…
Mold me, Lord, but don't take my health…or my son's health…or my husbands health. Refine my life, Father, as long as I don't have to walk through fire. 

Push me out of my comfort zone, Jesus, as long as it's not TOO uncomfortable. 

Somewhere in my heart, a link is missing. I have confidence that God's plan and purpose for my life, for Owen's life, for Nathan's life will be accomplished, but my flesh worries about the way in which He will carry it out. If it were up to me, under my control, I would never allow my loved ones to feel hurt, experience sickness or walk through tragedy. I began to think about the promise Jesus gave me in John 16:32-33, "Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  

There are actually two promises there, the first being that tribulation WILL happen, so I can stop wondering if it will, hoping it won't and praying for it to pass me by. It ain't happening. But the second part, the second promise is where I want my heart to dwell…the promise of peace. In Jesus, I not only have an Everlasting Father who gives me all good things, a Wonderful Counselor who leads, guides and instructs me, a Mighty God whose very existence keeps the world in orbit, but a "Prince of Peace." In John 14:27, Jesus reminds us again, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." The world says "peace" should be a life free of trouble, a body free of sickness and bones free of diseases. It suggests that peace can only come when all of our circumstances line up. But Jesus doesn't give the peace the world gives, He gives the peace of a confident heart, despite circumstances. The stillness of a body and soul at rest, in the midst of suffering. A calm trust despite what our emotions tell us to feel. There are many examples of Jesus healing the sick throughout his ministry, but there are just as many that went "un-healed," countless disciples even, left with a "thorn in the flesh", beaten, shipwrecked, persecuted and killed.

In the story of Job, you see everything taken from him in a blink of an eye: his family, his possessions, his health, everything he held near and dear. His mantra throughout the entire story: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him." Between balancing his anxiety and emotions with the truth, his friends and wife turning their back on him and his many questions of God and His purpose, he finally relinquishes control, " I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:2-6) Why would our Loving Father spare us calamity,sickness and despair, if it meant on the other side of things, this too would be the mantra of our hearts?

It would seem that God, in His wisdom, knows that in those moments where we have nothing to cling to (our health, our family, our friends, our possessions) we finally are able to come to a place where we search for Him, hungry for a peace that will settle our restless soul. We become no longer satisfied with knowing about Him in our minds, but desire to know Him in our hearts. And then we find it…that "peace that surpasses all understanding." Peace that lets us finally rest in His plan for us, be it sickness or health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer.

"But, Why": Unanswered Prayers and Wavering Faith

I remember, at three years old, Owen reciting his favorite phrase at least 50 million times a day: "but why, Momma?" I can recall my monotonous reply like it was yesterday, "because I said so, Owen." Not that I didn't want to explain why the clouds were white, why the grass was green or why we had to eat food and drink water to live. It's just that my answer usually just provoked more questions. Most of the time, my response would suffice and he would just let things go, questions unanswered. But he was rarely happy about it. If I felt I could explain the answer and its entirety, I would. But there were just some things I couldn't explain due to his age and his ability to comprehend.

Isn't prayer like this for most of us? We want to know why. I've been through moments in my life when I thought my heart would crush inside of me because it couldn't withstand any more emotional pain. I've had a miscarriage after praying for months to conceive. I've had tear-filled nights in a hospital bed with my four week old baby, as he clawed my skin, writhing in pain, while I'm crying, begging, asking God to do something...wondering where He is? I've had seasons in my marriage where I did everything in my power to end it...with no hope, it seemed like the best option. I've experienced the loss of a friend who hung herself at fifteen years old. I can remember sitting on my bed, asking God why he didn't let me get to her sooner.

Prayer is a bit of a paradox. It allows us to take our concerns to God but can leave us with a question mark still lingering. When the answer is not crystal clear, we feel God has forsaken us. But let's be honest, if God answered every prayer with a resounding "yes," would that make Him a loving Father? What if he had granted my wish to end my marriage? I would've lived the rest of my life in regret and miss out on the deep roots we now have. A loving parent will always answer a child's request with their best interest in mind. We allow our child to experience things that will make them grow. Sometimes those are fun, joyful experiences. And sometimes they are painful. The harder questions tend to cause us to question God even more: why do I suffer with this rare disease? Why did my child have to die early? Why did I lose my family in a tragic accident? Those are so hard to fight through. As a parent, the Lord knows we can't begin to understand the purpose in our trials and tragedy. But He offers us truth: He loves us. That everything, health and calamity, good times and bad, will be used for His glory AND our good. They go hand in hand. George MacDonald explains it best when he said, "He that prays and does not faint will come to recognize that to talk with God is more than to have all prayers granted, all questions answered- that would be the end of all need for prayer."

In God's wisdom, he didn't grant my request to end my marriage. Instead, he gave me a husband that didn't give up. Romance is a lot like a flaming fire. When you first begin, it's hot and heavy. The flames
are blazing. Your emotions are soaring. You enjoy the beauty of the flame and the warmth it provides, and you spend a lot of time stoking the fire, adding wood and working to bring that flame back. As time passes, those flames begin to sizzle into coals. In my short years, I assumed the coals were bad. If the fire wasn't flaming hot, something had to be wrong. The Lord taught me to enjoy the coals. You can roast marshmallows there. You can cook hot dogs there. You can warm your feet. You can rest there.

The Lord and I have been through many seasons together. I've had many unanswered prayers. Many question marks have been given the repetitive "because I said so" reply. Our relationship that began many years ago as a roaring flame has finally begun to sizzle into coals. It's soothing to be content, to feel at peace with the questions, to rest by the coals, confident in my faith. More importantly, confident in the One in whom my faith resides. By the dwindling fire, the question marks become reminders that I am the child of a Loving Father whose thoughts and ways are higher than mine. "Because I said so," begins to sound a lot more like "Because I love you."

From Darkness to Light

The Bible comes alive, when you just read it like a story... the story of a spotless Savior saving a faithless, sinful world...beautiful. 

Isaiah 59:

"Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear. (vs1-2)

Therefore justice is far from us, and righteousness does not overtake us; we hope for light, and behold, darkness, and for brightness, but we walk in gloom. (vs 8)

For our transgressions are multiplied before You, and our sins testify against us;
…We know our iniquities: transgressing, and denying the Lord, and turning back from following our God, speaking oppression and revolt, conceiving and uttering from the heart lying words. (vs12)

The Lord saw it, and it displeased him that there was no justice. (vs15)

He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no one to intercede; then His own arm brought him salvation,and His righteousness upheld him. He put on righteousness as a breastplate, and a helmet of salvation on his head; he put on garments of vengeance for clothing, and wrapped himself in zeal as a cloak. (vs17)

“The Redeemer will come… to those…who turn from transgression,” declares the Lord." (vs20)
Fast forward the script...Jesus has come, lived and died on the Cross. And then...

Romans 5:6-11- "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

What parent wouldn't take sickness from their child if they were able? Most of us would even take on their sickness if it meant they would be well. Some have faced tragedy or terminal illness with their children. I can imagine they've been, at times, desperate to carry the affliction themselves if it meant their child could live a healthy, happy life. The thing is, we are sick… our hearts destined for destruction. Without that special day: the birth of Jesus, we would be forever condemned, assured an eternity apart from God. If He had not been willing to roll up His sleeves and take on our sin and sickness upon Himself, crucifying it on the Cross, we'd be left in the darkness…stumbling through life with no hope.

I remember when Owen was little, just learning to walk. He would call me every morning after he woke to come to his room, lift him out of the bed and turn on the light. You know to this day, at six years old, I still carry him from his room every morning. I've asked him why he still calls me. Ater all, he IS older, clearly able to walk himself to the kitchen. He answered, "Because I feel safe and loved. And you can reach the light switch in the dark."

Which one of us would leave our children crying in the dark, with the light switch out of reach? You would turn on the light…and once the room was illuminated, you would surely guide them to safety, even if it meant you had to carry them.The gifts we give our children may bring a smile to their faces this Christmas, but can it bring a light to their hearts? God gave us the greatest Christmas gift of all time-- a Redeemer, a great light in the darkness… Hope. Promise. Blessings. Eternal security. Our Lord is our Savior, but He is also our Father, and we, His children. He has provided the Light and He is guiding us to safety, even if He must carry us there. 

"Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay 

close by me forever, and love me, I pray; 

bless all the dear children in thy tender care, 

and fit us for heaven to live with thee there."

A Christmas Story: "Yellow Days" and the Need for a Savior

"Mommy, I think I'm just gonna have a little rest on the way home. I'm tired." Those were the welcoming words I heard from my son as I he got in the car and threw his bookbag to the side. Wanting to "take a rest" is usually translated as, "I feel sick but I'm not going to tell you I feel sick because I will either have to take nasty herbs, get adjusted by the chiropractor, or go to the doctor. None of which I want to do, so I will conveniently lie and say I'm just tired." I asked him if he felt ok to which he responded, "Yep, and in case you're wondering, I really don't wanna talk about school today." Ahhhh. So that's what's gong on. He began explaining to me how he got another "yellow day" at school. This would be the third one since he started the school year. Sure, not terribly bad, but I noticed he wasn't as ashamed of it as he was before. In other words, it was "just" a yellow day. And yes, he even used the illustration of a red-light. "Mommy, yellow is not ALL that bad. It just means sllllooooooow down before it turns Red." Him and that blessed imagination! He was right, but wrong all at once. It's hard to discipline when you want to give credit for the brilliant analogy. But, I was already fuming ,so the cuteness had no appeal at the moment. 

Immediately I start contemplating appropriate punishment. Should I take away his toys? Ground him? Does he even know what "grounded" means? Do I take away T.V.? Maybe he's old enough to use a belt for spankings now? Should I make him miss dinner and go to bed starving at 6pm? I wanted the punishment to be severe. After all, if I don't increase the severity each time, I'd wind up with a 15 yr old destined to go to jail..right?? Its times like these when I start making up frantic, ridiculous scenarios that I'm thankful the Lord is patient with me. I told Owen that we should both just sit silently and pray on the way home. I told him to pray about what happened today and pray God would lead Mommy to make the right decision. I wanted to discipline him the right way, not just out of my emotions....you know, my emotions that kept saying, "how dare he get on yellow?!"... as if little boys should have green days all the days of their school lives. :)  

Approaching home, I start thinking about our Christmas Craft I had planned for that afternoon. I had contemplated taking it away from him. I wanted him to experience ZERO happiness. Even if that meant not doing a craft for Jesus...(does that even make sense?). In my defense, I was angry and couldn't think straight. The craft for the day was to paint/make a stable for Baby Jesus. To talk about why Jesus came into the world. What better scenario to talk about sin and the need for a Savior, than after bringing home a "yellow day?" 

We pulled in the driveway, unloaded our stuff and I sat down with Owen. I started to explain to him what sin was. We talked about what happened in the garden with Adam and Eve. I explained that sin is not just about doing things that are wrong, it's also knowing the right thing to do and choosing not to do it. We talked about his cars, and how they are small toys that are made to look like the big cars. They are made in the image of the real thing. In the same way, we were made in the image of God until sin came in and ruined it. I shared with him that Daddy and I sin just like he does (he liked that part) and we are all in need of someone to take away our sin, and change our desires to be more like God's, someone who is sinLESS. For the first time he began to realize that he is incapable of living a life without sin, a hands-on experience for him to understand why he needed a Savior. 

We ended the talk with a prayer. I told him I would sit with him while he prayed. He chose to pray out loud and I can't tell you how it blessed my heart to hear his little prayer: "Dear God, I love you. I'm sorry for my yellow day. I'm sorry for sin. I hate yellow days and I hate sin. I want you to take it far away from me. In Jesus Name, Amen."  So simple, but so profound.


We got our paint, glitter and stickers out. He sat for what seemed like forever, painting the perfect stable for Jesus, making the star SUPER bright in the sky. He didn't complain about how retarded his animals looked, or how he messed up the hay on the roof. He just kept painting... and I'm betting he painted that scene with much more gratitude in his heart than if he'd had a green day.

You know, it's funny how God works. These past couple of days, while I'm thinking Owen is the one who needs the lesson, we both wind up being the students. He learned about sin and the need for salvation. I learned to put my emotions aside and seek the Lord for wisdom. Its a beautiful picture of the Lord, who loves and guides us like children...because no matter how grown we are...we are still His babies. 

“The gospel is absurd and the life of Jesus is meaningless unless we believe that He lived, died, and rose again with but one purpose in mind: to make brand-new creation. Not to make people with better morals but to create a community of prophets and professional lovers, men and women who would surrender to the mystery of the fire of the Spirit that burns within, who would live in ever greater fidelity to the omnipresent Word of God, who would enter into the center of it all, the very heart and mystery of Christ, into the center of the flame that consumes, purifies, and sets everything aglow with peace, joy, boldness, and extravagant, furious love. This, my friend, is what it really means to be a Christian."

A Christmas Story: Awkward Moments and Feeble Attempts

With the Christmas season upon us, I wanted to be sure I was spending more time speaking to Owen about Jesus and less about Santa. Now don't get me wrong, we love Santa in this house and the servant heart God gave him, but he by no means should he take front and center.

Yesterday, as I'm out and about shopping, I decide to make this Christmas special and pick up some art projects. I just know Owen will be so excited when I pick him from school and see the bags full of crafty things we can do together. And best of all, through the glue and glitter, he will day-by-day learn more about Jesus and what Christmas is all about. 

Well, things didn't go as planned. I picked him up from school and it seemed he had a chip on his shoulder from the time I left the parking lot. We get home and instead of excitement, I see annoyance. He was annoyed we had to read the Bible story before we started to paint. He just wanted to paint! The glitter glue got stuck in the tip and wouldn't come out right, causing an exploding of glitter all over the table. He couldn't draw the donkey "the right way" and got frustrated. The angel he painted looked less heavenly and more extraterrestrial than anything. The windows in the Advent calendar wouldn't open all the way, causing us to jerk it open, sending the piece of candy inside falling to the floor. What I had planned to be an exciting, bonding experience with the Lord, quickly became reason to adjust this little demon's attitude. One thing led to another and it was obvious this train was headed south at an alarming rate. How could something with such great intentions go so wrong?! Hello, Lord! I'm teaching Him about You…little help here in the attitude department?? PUUULEAASSEE!

My heart was sad, mad and frustrated. I felt unappreciated. My first instinct was to lay down the hammer and let him know what it feels like to be disrespected..to take away the "happy mommy". By dinner time, Owen was exiled to his room to read books and think about his attitude while I took a hot bath. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit this is a time of recovery for me. Both my boys know, if Momma's in the bath and soft music is playing, she's either praying or reading…LEAVE HER BE! Little did I know, we both needed an attitude adjustment.

I began to just talk to God and share my frustration with Him. Lord, I spent the whole day thinking of Owen. With every tube of glitter glue, every package of pipe cleaners, the mound of marshmallows and cups of paint, I thought of his smile. I imagined how excited he'd be to know I thought of him. I wanted to make this Christmas Story special and personal for Him. He did nothing but sulk, have a bad attitude and show ungratefulness. I'm not even really sure he had a smile on his face. What an ungrateful child! 

Then the Lord reminded me how much that sounded like me... "Do you know how many sunsets I paint just for you to marvel at? If you only recognized how many little blessings I sprinkle upon your day that go unnoticed, you'd be in awe."

It was true. Many a times, I've accepted His blessings as just another part of my day. I so wanted today to be special. For Owen to WANT to learn more about  Jesus. For Him to enjoy knowing the Lord like I do. I have to remind myself that I don't need bells and whistles to teach His truths. He is enough. The Father is the one who draws people to Him. Teaching Owen through music, art or whatever else I can is great, but most importantly he needs to see a life surrendered to the Lord. And that is much more effective than coming up with a Lesson Plan for the day. 

What started, in my mind, as a moment of justified anger towards Owen ended with gentle rebuke from the Lord. Just like Owen, I often take advantage of God's blessings. Just as the Lord's response to my ungratefulness is patient kindness, so should be mine with Owen. The best way I can show Owen Christ is to imitate Him. And the best was to imitate Him is to be daily surrendered to His will and work in my life, daily appreciating the blessings he bestows upon me. 

So this afternoon, I will once again give up control. We will add a new scene to our painting, extraterrestrial animals and all. We will laugh at the chocolate falling on the floor, and open another window on the calendar to get a new piece. Glitter may get  stuck in the tube, paint all over the table and he may eat too many marshmallows…but we will smile through it all, knowing things don't have to go as planned for the message to sink into our hearts, confident that even in the not-so-perfect attempts, He is working. What a MIGHTY God we serve. 

Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the One who hears it and not in the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference. 

In the Silence

I am an introvert. I'm surprised how many odd looks I get when I share that fact with friends. One thing about introverts, we like alone time. We can be social and carry on for a short while, but feel the need to retreat to a hot bath and silence by the end of the day. We tend to give our all when we know we have to...family functions, church gatherings, parties, get-togethers, etc. They tend to zap our strength pretty quickly though. After a short reprieve, we are up and ready to go again.

I see Jesus as an introvert. You'll notice all throughout his ministry, he would sneak away at some of the oddest times to be alone. Not just alone, but with God, in prayer. That time would refresh him physically, emotionally and spiritually to take on the next order of business for the day. 

"And early in the morning, while it was still dark, He arose and went out and departed to a lonely place, and was praying there." ( Mark 1:35)

"...He Himself was sending the multitude away. And after bidding them farewell, he departed to the mountain to pray." (Mark 6:45-46)

"... and He said to His disciples, "Sit here until I have prayed."... And He said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death; remain here and keep watch." And He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground, and began praying. ( Mark 14:32-34)

"And when day came, He departed to a lonely place; and the multitudes were searching for Him..."( Luke 4:42)

"But He Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray." ( Luke 5:16)

"And it was at this time that He went off to the mountain to pray, and He spent the whole night in prayer to God." ( Luke 6:12)

I love quiet time with my books. I especially love quotes (as if you couldn't tell from my Facebook posts), you know, the old-timey ones with words like "thou" and "hast." They spark something in my soul. From authors like Phillip Yancey, Brennan Manning, David Platt, John Piper and Ravi Zacharias, who needs any further explanation? There's no thinking left in the matter, it's all spelled out for me right here in this book. Need a refreshing read on prayer? There's a book for that. Need to learn how to give up control? Got a chapter for that one too. Yancey wrote something that struck home with me during one of my morning reading sessions, 

"After spending hours in a silent field, I have become convinced more than ever before that God finds ways to communicate to those who truly seek Him, we only need lower the volume of the surrounding static."

Coffee cup in one hand and my book in the other, tears roll down my face. These are great authors, with great personal stories and ideas to glean from. But it comes out of the overflow of THEIR time with the Lord, not yours. Conviction fills my heart. I hear that familiar voice speak so gently to my heart, "Jesus didn't bring a book along to be alone with Me, because He expected me to speak and he was fully prepared to listen."  
I began to realize how great a privilege I've neglected. I have the Creator God available to me. My God, who has promised to be attentive to my cries if I only speak them. My Lord who reminds me that it is He who orders my steps. On top of that privilege, as a stay-at-home mom, I've been given a rare blessing: a house of silence every morning.  I've repeatedly chosen to fill that time with books, expanding my knowledge of theology, folding laundry while listening to Christmas carols, scrubbing toilets and remaking beds. While having a clean house brings me joy, it is not eternal and certainly can't align my heart to God's like sitting still before Him can.

With smartphones at our fingertips and T.V.'s on our gas pumps, it has never been more of a challenge to turn down the static of this world. Finding time to be alone and still with the Lord will most definitely be tough, but with Jesus as our example, we've got to realize how crucial it is to our life, our heart and our soul. 

This morning, I've made a commitment to the Lord. 
To put my books down with expectation to hear from the Greatest Author of all. 
To ignore the pile of dirty clothes for a little bit while I clothe myself in His will for me. 
To be still and know that He is God.

Check out this song, In the Silence by Jason Upton. Hope it speaks to your heart like it does mine.