Though He Slay Me...Will I Trust Him?

Sickness scares me. The thought of tragedy makes my heart skip a beat. When I slow down and get quiet, I can hear the dialogue in my head and the whispers behind my thoughts…
Mold me, Lord, but don't take my health…or my son's health…or my husbands health. Refine my life, Father, as long as I don't have to walk through fire. 

Push me out of my comfort zone, Jesus, as long as it's not TOO uncomfortable. 

Somewhere in my heart, a link is missing. I have confidence that God's plan and purpose for my life, for Owen's life, for Nathan's life will be accomplished, but my flesh worries about the way in which He will carry it out. If it were up to me, under my control, I would never allow my loved ones to feel hurt, experience sickness or walk through tragedy. I began to think about the promise Jesus gave me in John 16:32-33, "Behold, the hour is coming, indeed it has come, when you will be scattered, each to his own home, and will leave me alone. Yet I am not alone, for the Father is with me. I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”  

There are actually two promises there, the first being that tribulation WILL happen, so I can stop wondering if it will, hoping it won't and praying for it to pass me by. It ain't happening. But the second part, the second promise is where I want my heart to dwell…the promise of peace. In Jesus, I not only have an Everlasting Father who gives me all good things, a Wonderful Counselor who leads, guides and instructs me, a Mighty God whose very existence keeps the world in orbit, but a "Prince of Peace." In John 14:27, Jesus reminds us again, "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." The world says "peace" should be a life free of trouble, a body free of sickness and bones free of diseases. It suggests that peace can only come when all of our circumstances line up. But Jesus doesn't give the peace the world gives, He gives the peace of a confident heart, despite circumstances. The stillness of a body and soul at rest, in the midst of suffering. A calm trust despite what our emotions tell us to feel. There are many examples of Jesus healing the sick throughout his ministry, but there are just as many that went "un-healed," countless disciples even, left with a "thorn in the flesh", beaten, shipwrecked, persecuted and killed.

In the story of Job, you see everything taken from him in a blink of an eye: his family, his possessions, his health, everything he held near and dear. His mantra throughout the entire story: "Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him." Between balancing his anxiety and emotions with the truth, his friends and wife turning their back on him and his many questions of God and His purpose, he finally relinquishes control, " I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted. You asked, ‘Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?’ Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know. “You said, ‘Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.’ My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes.” (Job 42:2-6) Why would our Loving Father spare us calamity,sickness and despair, if it meant on the other side of things, this too would be the mantra of our hearts?

It would seem that God, in His wisdom, knows that in those moments where we have nothing to cling to (our health, our family, our friends, our possessions) we finally are able to come to a place where we search for Him, hungry for a peace that will settle our restless soul. We become no longer satisfied with knowing about Him in our minds, but desire to know Him in our hearts. And then we find it…that "peace that surpasses all understanding." Peace that lets us finally rest in His plan for us, be it sickness or health, for better or for worse, for richer or for poorer.

"But, Why": Unanswered Prayers and Wavering Faith

I remember, at three years old, Owen reciting his favorite phrase at least 50 million times a day: "but why, Momma?" I can recall my monotonous reply like it was yesterday, "because I said so, Owen." Not that I didn't want to explain why the clouds were white, why the grass was green or why we had to eat food and drink water to live. It's just that my answer usually just provoked more questions. Most of the time, my response would suffice and he would just let things go, questions unanswered. But he was rarely happy about it. If I felt I could explain the answer and its entirety, I would. But there were just some things I couldn't explain due to his age and his ability to comprehend.

Isn't prayer like this for most of us? We want to know why. I've been through moments in my life when I thought my heart would crush inside of me because it couldn't withstand any more emotional pain. I've had a miscarriage after praying for months to conceive. I've had tear-filled nights in a hospital bed with my four week old baby, as he clawed my skin, writhing in pain, while I'm crying, begging, asking God to do something...wondering where He is? I've had seasons in my marriage where I did everything in my power to end it...with no hope, it seemed like the best option. I've experienced the loss of a friend who hung herself at fifteen years old. I can remember sitting on my bed, asking God why he didn't let me get to her sooner.

Prayer is a bit of a paradox. It allows us to take our concerns to God but can leave us with a question mark still lingering. When the answer is not crystal clear, we feel God has forsaken us. But let's be honest, if God answered every prayer with a resounding "yes," would that make Him a loving Father? What if he had granted my wish to end my marriage? I would've lived the rest of my life in regret and miss out on the deep roots we now have. A loving parent will always answer a child's request with their best interest in mind. We allow our child to experience things that will make them grow. Sometimes those are fun, joyful experiences. And sometimes they are painful. The harder questions tend to cause us to question God even more: why do I suffer with this rare disease? Why did my child have to die early? Why did I lose my family in a tragic accident? Those are so hard to fight through. As a parent, the Lord knows we can't begin to understand the purpose in our trials and tragedy. But He offers us truth: He loves us. That everything, health and calamity, good times and bad, will be used for His glory AND our good. They go hand in hand. George MacDonald explains it best when he said, "He that prays and does not faint will come to recognize that to talk with God is more than to have all prayers granted, all questions answered- that would be the end of all need for prayer."

In God's wisdom, he didn't grant my request to end my marriage. Instead, he gave me a husband that didn't give up. Romance is a lot like a flaming fire. When you first begin, it's hot and heavy. The flames
are blazing. Your emotions are soaring. You enjoy the beauty of the flame and the warmth it provides, and you spend a lot of time stoking the fire, adding wood and working to bring that flame back. As time passes, those flames begin to sizzle into coals. In my short years, I assumed the coals were bad. If the fire wasn't flaming hot, something had to be wrong. The Lord taught me to enjoy the coals. You can roast marshmallows there. You can cook hot dogs there. You can warm your feet. You can rest there.

The Lord and I have been through many seasons together. I've had many unanswered prayers. Many question marks have been given the repetitive "because I said so" reply. Our relationship that began many years ago as a roaring flame has finally begun to sizzle into coals. It's soothing to be content, to feel at peace with the questions, to rest by the coals, confident in my faith. More importantly, confident in the One in whom my faith resides. By the dwindling fire, the question marks become reminders that I am the child of a Loving Father whose thoughts and ways are higher than mine. "Because I said so," begins to sound a lot more like "Because I love you."

From Darkness to Light

The Bible comes alive, when you just read it like a story... the story of a spotless Savior saving a faithless, sinful world...beautiful. 

Isaiah 59:

"Behold, the Lord's hand is not shortened, that it cannot save, or his ear dull, that it cannot hear; but your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, and your sins have hidden his face from you so that he does not hear. (vs1-2)

Therefore justice is far from us, and righteousness does not overtake us; we hope for light, and behold, darkness, and for brightness, but we walk in gloom. (vs 8)

For our transgressions are multiplied before You, and our sins testify against us;
…We know our iniquities: transgressing, and denying the Lord, and turning back from following our God, speaking oppression and revolt, conceiving and uttering from the heart lying words. (vs12)

The Lord saw it, and it displeased him that there was no justice. (vs15)

He saw that there was no man, and wondered that there was no one to intercede; then His own arm brought him salvation,and His righteousness upheld him. He put on righteousness as a breastplate, and a helmet of salvation on his head; he put on garments of vengeance for clothing, and wrapped himself in zeal as a cloak. (vs17)

“The Redeemer will come… to those…who turn from transgression,” declares the Lord." (vs20)
Fast forward the script...Jesus has come, lived and died on the Cross. And then...

Romans 5:6-11- "For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die— but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation."

What parent wouldn't take sickness from their child if they were able? Most of us would even take on their sickness if it meant they would be well. Some have faced tragedy or terminal illness with their children. I can imagine they've been, at times, desperate to carry the affliction themselves if it meant their child could live a healthy, happy life. The thing is, we are sick… our hearts destined for destruction. Without that special day: the birth of Jesus, we would be forever condemned, assured an eternity apart from God. If He had not been willing to roll up His sleeves and take on our sin and sickness upon Himself, crucifying it on the Cross, we'd be left in the darkness…stumbling through life with no hope.

I remember when Owen was little, just learning to walk. He would call me every morning after he woke to come to his room, lift him out of the bed and turn on the light. You know to this day, at six years old, I still carry him from his room every morning. I've asked him why he still calls me. Ater all, he IS older, clearly able to walk himself to the kitchen. He answered, "Because I feel safe and loved. And you can reach the light switch in the dark."

Which one of us would leave our children crying in the dark, with the light switch out of reach? You would turn on the light…and once the room was illuminated, you would surely guide them to safety, even if it meant you had to carry them.The gifts we give our children may bring a smile to their faces this Christmas, but can it bring a light to their hearts? God gave us the greatest Christmas gift of all time-- a Redeemer, a great light in the darkness… Hope. Promise. Blessings. Eternal security. Our Lord is our Savior, but He is also our Father, and we, His children. He has provided the Light and He is guiding us to safety, even if He must carry us there. 

"Be near me, Lord Jesus, I ask thee to stay 

close by me forever, and love me, I pray; 

bless all the dear children in thy tender care, 

and fit us for heaven to live with thee there."

A Christmas Story: "Yellow Days" and the Need for a Savior

"Mommy, I think I'm just gonna have a little rest on the way home. I'm tired." Those were the welcoming words I heard from my son as I he got in the car and threw his bookbag to the side. Wanting to "take a rest" is usually translated as, "I feel sick but I'm not going to tell you I feel sick because I will either have to take nasty herbs, get adjusted by the chiropractor, or go to the doctor. None of which I want to do, so I will conveniently lie and say I'm just tired." I asked him if he felt ok to which he responded, "Yep, and in case you're wondering, I really don't wanna talk about school today." Ahhhh. So that's what's gong on. He began explaining to me how he got another "yellow day" at school. This would be the third one since he started the school year. Sure, not terribly bad, but I noticed he wasn't as ashamed of it as he was before. In other words, it was "just" a yellow day. And yes, he even used the illustration of a red-light. "Mommy, yellow is not ALL that bad. It just means sllllooooooow down before it turns Red." Him and that blessed imagination! He was right, but wrong all at once. It's hard to discipline when you want to give credit for the brilliant analogy. But, I was already fuming ,so the cuteness had no appeal at the moment. 

Immediately I start contemplating appropriate punishment. Should I take away his toys? Ground him? Does he even know what "grounded" means? Do I take away T.V.? Maybe he's old enough to use a belt for spankings now? Should I make him miss dinner and go to bed starving at 6pm? I wanted the punishment to be severe. After all, if I don't increase the severity each time, I'd wind up with a 15 yr old destined to go to jail..right?? Its times like these when I start making up frantic, ridiculous scenarios that I'm thankful the Lord is patient with me. I told Owen that we should both just sit silently and pray on the way home. I told him to pray about what happened today and pray God would lead Mommy to make the right decision. I wanted to discipline him the right way, not just out of my emotions....you know, my emotions that kept saying, "how dare he get on yellow?!"... as if little boys should have green days all the days of their school lives. :)  

Approaching home, I start thinking about our Christmas Craft I had planned for that afternoon. I had contemplated taking it away from him. I wanted him to experience ZERO happiness. Even if that meant not doing a craft for Jesus...(does that even make sense?). In my defense, I was angry and couldn't think straight. The craft for the day was to paint/make a stable for Baby Jesus. To talk about why Jesus came into the world. What better scenario to talk about sin and the need for a Savior, than after bringing home a "yellow day?" 

We pulled in the driveway, unloaded our stuff and I sat down with Owen. I started to explain to him what sin was. We talked about what happened in the garden with Adam and Eve. I explained that sin is not just about doing things that are wrong, it's also knowing the right thing to do and choosing not to do it. We talked about his cars, and how they are small toys that are made to look like the big cars. They are made in the image of the real thing. In the same way, we were made in the image of God until sin came in and ruined it. I shared with him that Daddy and I sin just like he does (he liked that part) and we are all in need of someone to take away our sin, and change our desires to be more like God's, someone who is sinLESS. For the first time he began to realize that he is incapable of living a life without sin, a hands-on experience for him to understand why he needed a Savior. 

We ended the talk with a prayer. I told him I would sit with him while he prayed. He chose to pray out loud and I can't tell you how it blessed my heart to hear his little prayer: "Dear God, I love you. I'm sorry for my yellow day. I'm sorry for sin. I hate yellow days and I hate sin. I want you to take it far away from me. In Jesus Name, Amen."  So simple, but so profound.


We got our paint, glitter and stickers out. He sat for what seemed like forever, painting the perfect stable for Jesus, making the star SUPER bright in the sky. He didn't complain about how retarded his animals looked, or how he messed up the hay on the roof. He just kept painting... and I'm betting he painted that scene with much more gratitude in his heart than if he'd had a green day.

You know, it's funny how God works. These past couple of days, while I'm thinking Owen is the one who needs the lesson, we both wind up being the students. He learned about sin and the need for salvation. I learned to put my emotions aside and seek the Lord for wisdom. Its a beautiful picture of the Lord, who loves and guides us like children...because no matter how grown we are...we are still His babies. 

“The gospel is absurd and the life of Jesus is meaningless unless we believe that He lived, died, and rose again with but one purpose in mind: to make brand-new creation. Not to make people with better morals but to create a community of prophets and professional lovers, men and women who would surrender to the mystery of the fire of the Spirit that burns within, who would live in ever greater fidelity to the omnipresent Word of God, who would enter into the center of it all, the very heart and mystery of Christ, into the center of the flame that consumes, purifies, and sets everything aglow with peace, joy, boldness, and extravagant, furious love. This, my friend, is what it really means to be a Christian."

A Christmas Story: Awkward Moments and Feeble Attempts

With the Christmas season upon us, I wanted to be sure I was spending more time speaking to Owen about Jesus and less about Santa. Now don't get me wrong, we love Santa in this house and the servant heart God gave him, but he by no means should he take front and center.

Yesterday, as I'm out and about shopping, I decide to make this Christmas special and pick up some art projects. I just know Owen will be so excited when I pick him from school and see the bags full of crafty things we can do together. And best of all, through the glue and glitter, he will day-by-day learn more about Jesus and what Christmas is all about. 

Well, things didn't go as planned. I picked him up from school and it seemed he had a chip on his shoulder from the time I left the parking lot. We get home and instead of excitement, I see annoyance. He was annoyed we had to read the Bible story before we started to paint. He just wanted to paint! The glitter glue got stuck in the tip and wouldn't come out right, causing an exploding of glitter all over the table. He couldn't draw the donkey "the right way" and got frustrated. The angel he painted looked less heavenly and more extraterrestrial than anything. The windows in the Advent calendar wouldn't open all the way, causing us to jerk it open, sending the piece of candy inside falling to the floor. What I had planned to be an exciting, bonding experience with the Lord, quickly became reason to adjust this little demon's attitude. One thing led to another and it was obvious this train was headed south at an alarming rate. How could something with such great intentions go so wrong?! Hello, Lord! I'm teaching Him about You…little help here in the attitude department?? PUUULEAASSEE!

My heart was sad, mad and frustrated. I felt unappreciated. My first instinct was to lay down the hammer and let him know what it feels like to be disrespected..to take away the "happy mommy". By dinner time, Owen was exiled to his room to read books and think about his attitude while I took a hot bath. Yes, I'm not ashamed to admit this is a time of recovery for me. Both my boys know, if Momma's in the bath and soft music is playing, she's either praying or reading…LEAVE HER BE! Little did I know, we both needed an attitude adjustment.

I began to just talk to God and share my frustration with Him. Lord, I spent the whole day thinking of Owen. With every tube of glitter glue, every package of pipe cleaners, the mound of marshmallows and cups of paint, I thought of his smile. I imagined how excited he'd be to know I thought of him. I wanted to make this Christmas Story special and personal for Him. He did nothing but sulk, have a bad attitude and show ungratefulness. I'm not even really sure he had a smile on his face. What an ungrateful child! 

Then the Lord reminded me how much that sounded like me... "Do you know how many sunsets I paint just for you to marvel at? If you only recognized how many little blessings I sprinkle upon your day that go unnoticed, you'd be in awe."

It was true. Many a times, I've accepted His blessings as just another part of my day. I so wanted today to be special. For Owen to WANT to learn more about  Jesus. For Him to enjoy knowing the Lord like I do. I have to remind myself that I don't need bells and whistles to teach His truths. He is enough. The Father is the one who draws people to Him. Teaching Owen through music, art or whatever else I can is great, but most importantly he needs to see a life surrendered to the Lord. And that is much more effective than coming up with a Lesson Plan for the day. 

What started, in my mind, as a moment of justified anger towards Owen ended with gentle rebuke from the Lord. Just like Owen, I often take advantage of God's blessings. Just as the Lord's response to my ungratefulness is patient kindness, so should be mine with Owen. The best way I can show Owen Christ is to imitate Him. And the best was to imitate Him is to be daily surrendered to His will and work in my life, daily appreciating the blessings he bestows upon me. 

So this afternoon, I will once again give up control. We will add a new scene to our painting, extraterrestrial animals and all. We will laugh at the chocolate falling on the floor, and open another window on the calendar to get a new piece. Glitter may get  stuck in the tube, paint all over the table and he may eat too many marshmallows…but we will smile through it all, knowing things don't have to go as planned for the message to sink into our hearts, confident that even in the not-so-perfect attempts, He is working. What a MIGHTY God we serve. 

Our prayers may be awkward. Our attempts may be feeble. But since the power of prayer is in the One who hears it and not in the one who says it, our prayers do make a difference. 

In the Silence

I am an introvert. I'm surprised how many odd looks I get when I share that fact with friends. One thing about introverts, we like alone time. We can be social and carry on for a short while, but feel the need to retreat to a hot bath and silence by the end of the day. We tend to give our all when we know we have to...family functions, church gatherings, parties, get-togethers, etc. They tend to zap our strength pretty quickly though. After a short reprieve, we are up and ready to go again.

I see Jesus as an introvert. You'll notice all throughout his ministry, he would sneak away at some of the oddest times to be alone. Not just alone, but with God, in prayer. That time would refresh him physically, emotionally and spiritually to take on the next order of business for the day. 

"And early in the morning, while it was still dark, He arose and went out and departed to a lonely place, and was praying there." ( Mark 1:35)

"...He Himself was sending the multitude away. And after bidding them farewell, he departed to the mountain to pray." (Mark 6:45-46)

"... and He said to His disciples, "Sit here until I have prayed."... And He said to them, "My soul is deeply grieved to the point of death; remain here and keep watch." And He went a little beyond them, and fell to the ground, and began praying. ( Mark 14:32-34)

"And when day came, He departed to a lonely place; and the multitudes were searching for Him..."( Luke 4:42)

"But He Himself would often slip away to the wilderness and pray." ( Luke 5:16)

"And it was at this time that He went off to the mountain to pray, and He spent the whole night in prayer to God." ( Luke 6:12)

I love quiet time with my books. I especially love quotes (as if you couldn't tell from my Facebook posts), you know, the old-timey ones with words like "thou" and "hast." They spark something in my soul. From authors like Phillip Yancey, Brennan Manning, David Platt, John Piper and Ravi Zacharias, who needs any further explanation? There's no thinking left in the matter, it's all spelled out for me right here in this book. Need a refreshing read on prayer? There's a book for that. Need to learn how to give up control? Got a chapter for that one too. Yancey wrote something that struck home with me during one of my morning reading sessions, 

"After spending hours in a silent field, I have become convinced more than ever before that God finds ways to communicate to those who truly seek Him, we only need lower the volume of the surrounding static."

Coffee cup in one hand and my book in the other, tears roll down my face. These are great authors, with great personal stories and ideas to glean from. But it comes out of the overflow of THEIR time with the Lord, not yours. Conviction fills my heart. I hear that familiar voice speak so gently to my heart, "Jesus didn't bring a book along to be alone with Me, because He expected me to speak and he was fully prepared to listen."  
I began to realize how great a privilege I've neglected. I have the Creator God available to me. My God, who has promised to be attentive to my cries if I only speak them. My Lord who reminds me that it is He who orders my steps. On top of that privilege, as a stay-at-home mom, I've been given a rare blessing: a house of silence every morning.  I've repeatedly chosen to fill that time with books, expanding my knowledge of theology, folding laundry while listening to Christmas carols, scrubbing toilets and remaking beds. While having a clean house brings me joy, it is not eternal and certainly can't align my heart to God's like sitting still before Him can.

With smartphones at our fingertips and T.V.'s on our gas pumps, it has never been more of a challenge to turn down the static of this world. Finding time to be alone and still with the Lord will most definitely be tough, but with Jesus as our example, we've got to realize how crucial it is to our life, our heart and our soul. 

This morning, I've made a commitment to the Lord. 
To put my books down with expectation to hear from the Greatest Author of all. 
To ignore the pile of dirty clothes for a little bit while I clothe myself in His will for me. 
To be still and know that He is God.

Check out this song, In the Silence by Jason Upton. Hope it speaks to your heart like it does mine. 

A Pep-Talk for the Heart

My heart and I had a talk this morning. Over the last several days, I've been frazzled over ridiculous concerns and quite honestly I was beginning to even annoy myself. 

I worried if my aerosol can of Olive Oil spray listed propellant in the ingredients. Because surely propellant isn't a legit food group.

I was concerned my dog would chew up a rock and choke on it, because he insists on bringing one in the house every time I let him out. That would then lead me to either have to pay a vet bill to get the rock dislodged or even worse, tell my son he's dead due to my late arrival at the vet.

I've prayed nonstop that Owen's recent sniffles will stop immediately. If he comes down with a cold, or even worse a stomach virus, before we leave for Baltimore this weekend, it would then cause a chain reaction and all of us would wind up sick, therefore allowing none of the Burlison household take the 11 hour drive to visit family.

I've been fighting mad at my husband and his brother for making our departure time for Baltimore to be 3:45 IN THE MORNING! I mean, what is wrong with them?! Have they seen me at 3:45 a.m.?! Do they know they are unleashing the beast within when they mess with my sleep?!

These are just 4 examples. I could embarrass myself further but I've leave it at that. The only consolation I have in my ridiculousness is that David wasn't that different from me. As read through the Psalms, you'll see David jumping with joy and gladness in his heart and turn the page to find him distraught with fear of enemies surrounding him, wondering why God has left him to die. 

I have divided heart. It's part of living in a fallen world. I know God's truth. I know He provides. I know He is control, but do I BELIEVE it? More often times than not, I allow my emotions and concerns for that moment to be bigger than His truth in my heart. I let worry have my allegiance.

It's not wrong to share my concerns to God. There's no sin in asking Him to keep sickness far away. It's a good thing to want to eat and drink things that are good for the body, after all that's the temple we've been given. We should desire to keep it healthy. It becomes a problem when these things overtake me. One thing about David, he was determined not end the chapter in despair. He concludes with a command to his heart to no longer be downcast. An order to put his hope in the Lord. 

The fact that I've let these things fester in my heart, shows me I haven't reminded myself today that God is in control. Not just a gentle reminder, but a forceful one. One that commands my emotions to take a back seat. 

So, heart, time for a little pep-talk … 

Today--

I will use my propellant spray in the cabinet to the glory of God while I scramble my eggs.

I will pray health over Owen and not dwell another minute on the outcome. I'll rev up his immune system and let God do what He will, no matter what the outcome.

I will let my dog out and let him chew as many dang rocks as he pleases. 

I will let my control issues go and KNOW that God has put the desire in the hearts of the men to leave early, and I will remind myself there is always good reason for that. 

I'm sure I'll see worry rear it's ugly head again before the day is through, but I'm determined to lead my heart by the Truth. 

In the words of David...

"My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever." Psalm 73:26

"May the words of my mouth and the thoughts of my heart be pleasing to you, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

When Dirty Old Men Meet A Life Well-Lived.

Check out this story about a man named Dominique. He lived his life with no concern of its usefulness. He had complete faith and confidence that his life would have meaning and purpose, and it would flow directly from his personal relationship with Christ. This confidence allowed him to live his life accepting others for who they are, not who they should've become. Lord, guide me into becoming more like Dominique. More like Jesus.

"Dominique Voillaume has influenced my life as few people ever have. He learned at age fifty-four that he was dying of an inoperable cancer. With the community's permission he moved to a poor neighborhood in Paris and took a job as night watchman at a factory. Returning home every morning at 8:00 a.m., he would go directly to a little park across the street from where he lived and sit down on a wooden bench. Hanging around the park where marginal people- drifters, winos, "has-beens," dirty old men who ogled the girls passing by.

Dominique never criticized, scolded, or reprimanded them. He laughed, told stories, shared his candy, accepted them just as they were. From living so long out of the inner sanctuary, he gave off a peace, a serene sense of self and hospitality of heart that caused cynical young men and defeated old men to gravitate towards him like bacon toward eggs. His simple witness lay in accepting others as they were without questions and allowing them to make themselves at home in his heart. Dominique was the most nonjudgmental person I have ever known. He loved with the heart of Jesus.

One day, when the ragtag group of rejects asked him to talk about himself, he gave them a thumbnail description of his life. Then he told them with quiet conviction that God loved them tenderly and stubbornly, that Jesus had come for rejects and outcasts just like themselves. His witness was credible because the Word was enfleshed on his bones. Soon after, the dirty jokes, vulgar language, and leering at women just stopped. 

One morning, Dominique failed to appear at the park bench. The men grew concerned. Few hours later, he was found dead on his apartment floor. He died in the obscurity of a Parisian slum.

Dominique never tried to impress anybody, never wondered if his life was useful or his witness meaningful. He never felt he had to do something great for God. He did keep a journal. His last entry was one of the most astonishing things I've ever read:

'All that is not the love of God has no meaning for me. I can truthfully say that I have no interest in anything but the love of God which is in Christ Jesus. If God wants it to, my life WILL be useful through my word and witness. If He wants it to, my life WILL bear fruit through my prayers and sacrifice. But the usefulness of my life is His concern, not mine. It would be indecent of me to worry about that.'

In Dominique Voillaume I saw the reality of a life lived entirely for God and others. After an all night prayer vigil by his friends, he was buried in an unadorned pine box in the backyard of an old church. A simple wooden cross over his grave that read, 'a witness to Jesus Christ' said it all. More than seven thousand people gathered from all over Europe to attend his funeral."

"A life of love lived unpretentiously for others flowing out of a life lived for God is the imitation of Christ and the only authentic discipleship. A life of service through unglamorous, unpublicized works of mercy is a life marked by the signature of Jesus." 

 Quotes by: Brennan Manning, "The Signature of Jesus" 

 

Turning Distractions into Divine Appointments

I've been busy lately. I've been organizing things for the church while processing orders through my AdvoCare business and making deliveries. I've been a full-time Mommy and a full-time wife, waking early to be sure everyone has had their breakfast, clothes out and ready for the day, lunches packed and the dog fed. I'm a full time chef and housekeeper.I almost feel I work more now than I did when I had my clock-in, clock-out day job. You know, the one I actually got PAID to do! I realize this doesn't seem to be a long "to-do-list" for those of you who have more than one kid, full time jobs and then do everything above and probably more. If that is you, you are my superhero. God gave me one kid and no full time job for good reason! Most days, I can fit in all that needs to be done, but let one thing go wrong that day and all hell breaks loose.

Let me be five minutes late getting out the door.
Let my son make a disaster of a mess on the kitchen floor as we are walking out the door.
Let my husband ask me to run a random errand I wasn't expecting.
Wait for a few minutes while these things pile up and you'll see me emotionally explode all over the ones I love most.
I immediately lose focus and unleash the brunt of a woman scorned, or more precisely, a woman out of control.

This morning as I sit down to spend time in the Word, I'm brought to tears. How can I say to my son, "Follow me as I follow Christ" when my example is "follow-worthy" only when everything is right and on time in my world? I began to look at the life of Jesus and I noticed an uncanny difference in He and I (go figure). He too had a mission to fulfill. He too had limited time. He had a few short years to show the world what God looked like, to fulfill the prophecies and die a sacrificial death. If anyone's feathers should've been ruffled, it was His. With such a tall order to fill, I wouldn't dare take time to enjoy the things He did. I mean seriously, who has time for sleep, rest, sitting down for meals and dancing at a wedding while there's a whole world of lost and dying people to save?! You didn't catch Him glancing at His appointment book, being certain there was a time slot for these things. Jesus partook in all the above with a glad and joyful heart.

"Jesus was able to strike a balance between showing compassion and staying focused on his mission." - Mary Maxwell (missionary)

Looking to Jesus as our example, we can't turn a blind eye to this incredible way about Him. It seems like He chose to see each moment of His day as part of His mission. Almost as if He wanted us to notice God working despite what we would consider to be distractions.

He took time to enjoy the things we haphazardly rush through.
He invited children to interrupt his day.
He stopped to answer questions for wandering hearts and minds.
He allowed Himself to be a vessel for healing, no matter what else was on the day's agenda.
He made relationships, deep ones, with people who would soon abandon him.
He sought out those who would consider themselves unworthy of unconditional love.

He didn't eat lunch on the run, sparing no time for fellowship with his friends.
He didn't harshly scold the child running up to him as if they were an annoyance.
He didn't get angry at the humanness of the people and their mistakes.
He didn't allow his agenda to dictate His day, but the day to dictate the agenda, knowing every appointment was sovereignly appointed by His Almighty Father.
He didn't allow the pain and emotions of befriending many who soon abandon Him to stand in the way of knowing and loving them completely, despite what was certain to come.
He looked for opportunities to show grace, knowing the ones who needed it most would most likely feel unworthy to come looking for Him.

As I think about the ways in which I am far from the character of Jesus, tears fill my eyes. Tears of sadness because I allow myself to be ruled by emotions more often than not. Tears of happiness, knowing that He who began a good work in me is faithful to see it through to completion. I'm thankful His gentle Spirit steers me towards the desire to be more like Christ. And for good reason! It's imperative to a dying world that they see people who are different, who slow down to enjoy this day, time and season with joy and confidence that God is working in the midst.

Jesus was a man with laser-like focus. His purpose, to fulfill the will of the Father. His mission, to save a dying world. His short time here on earth was lived out with peace, joy and compassion. Could He be inviting us to see every event of our lives as a divine appointment instead of an annoying disruption? If he can take time to enjoy the simple things of this lifetime, then so should we.

Let's focus on this mission God has called us to; be it our workplace, our relationships or our agenda for the day, no matter what our emotions tell us.
Let's allow Him access to our appointment book, even when it seems to be full to the brim.
Lets allow our hearts to be refreshed by the comfort of His word, even though it means we must silence the noise.
Tune our hearts to prayer, admitting where we fall short and reminding ourselves God will lead us this day, confident this will bring our will to align with His.
Let's view every moment as irreplaceable. Let's began to enjoy disruptions, though they be many!
Let's realize our time is short, our mission is important and this is not our home!

"The focus of Jesus' life was to stay perfectly attuned to his Father's voice. He was determined to live every moment in harmony with the Father's will." - Jennifer Dean 

Attention All Control Freaks: Rest is Required

I'm not a fan of rest. It feels unproductive. Lazy. Pointless. 

So, what's the problem? Why not just suck it up that I am a "doer" who doesn't need rest?
Well, the problem is the Bible, more importantly, God. He not only seems to think it's important for us to take a day of rest, He actually takes a day off himself. 

Genesis 2: 2-3 “And on the seventh day God finished his work that he had done, and he rested on the seventh day from all his work that he had done. So God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it God rested from all his work that he had done in creation.”

Mark 6:30-32 "The apostles returned to Jesus and told him all that they had done and taught. And he said to them, “Come away by yourselves to a desolate place and rest a while.” For many were coming and going, and they had no leisure even to eat. And they went away in the boat to a desolate place by themselves."

During my restlessness, I came across this devotional and it really struck a cord with me:

"We secretly glorify the people who do it all, no matter the costs. Sure, we all have busy seasons with a new baby or the project due at work. But often, I think my refusal to rest is a symptom of self-sufficiency hardening into pride. The longer I’m awake, the longer I can control my environment and my results. It means less trusting that God will give me what I need and more time scraping together what I need and desire. Often, it means getting so busy doing things for God that we neglect our primary relationship with him.

The command to “be at rest” isn’t just for our benefit.  Rest is not a guilty pleasure we have to sneak. Instead, we need to think of rest as a grace-filled reminder that we are creatures of clay dependent on a much stronger God. Our energy levels wind down until we are forced to acknowledge that – surprise! – we can’t engineer our lives as much as we’d like to think. But that weakness allows God to make us a promise in Matthew 11:28: “Come to me… and I will give you rest.”

My disdain of rest really comes down to my need for control. I like scheduling my day. I have a day for grocery shopping. A day for cooking. A time frame for my workout. A time to read. A time to pray. Set times when I eat. An alarm that wakes me up every day. An internal clock that tells me when to sleep. Needless to say, I'm a creature of habit. Let me tell you what happens when this creatures plans get thwarted for the day; I get all bent out of shape. I pitch a fit. I slam doors. I often times lash out at whoever is around me. I make sure everyone in the house knows my frustration at the change in plans. 

Between my husband being down for the count this weekend, causing my plan to paint the church walls to come crashing down; my pastor calling to let me know I'm being disobedient and rebellious by trying to pull my sick husband out to work when we need his voice to lead us in worship on Sunday; a nasty cold invading my body today... I'd say God is trying to teach me a thing or two. His ways are not my ways. His plans are not my plans. If I keep planning out every hour of my day, what room do I leave for Him to intervene? 

Maybe the whole point of rest is to teach the "doers" like me that the world won't stop revolving if I take the day off. By taking a day of rest, I'm forced to let God take the day and do with it what He wills. I'm guessing I need to start allowing this lesson to sink in, or I might see more random sick days in my future. 

As I blow my nose for the millionth time today and sip my hot tea under a heated blanket, I'm reminded of my "humanness." I'm thankful that God is still honored, if not more so, in my rest. Thanks for the day off, Lord :) 

Cigars, Theology and Apologetics

Last Monday, my husband informed me that he would be out of town for a work conference this week. Realizing this was his job and he had no choice in the matter, I obliged and reasoned in my mind, "We've done this before. Time goes by quickly. It'll be good for you and Owen to have time together." With his departure looming, I cancel my original plans with friends and decide Friday night would be our date night. We would go out on a double-date, then head out for a rendezvous of our own afterwards. As I'm getting dressed for the evening, he calls to inform me that after our dinner he would like to join the guys at the Cigar Bar, and then proceeds to ask me "Is that alright with you?" Now, let me just fill you in on what was going on in my mind..

Are you serious?!? I just canceled plans for the evening with MY friends (he was unaware of that, by the way) and NOW you are going out with the guys and leaving me at HOME?! ugh! I have WAY more to offer than "the guys" and you ain't getting what I'm offering. 

followed by....

How inconsiderate of his friends to ask him to go "hang out" on our date night?? (I highly doubt they were aware it was "date night")

Don't judge, ladies. We all know our minds tend to go here! I refrained from unleashing my fury and responded, "Whatever you wanna do, babe." After hanging up the phone, I really wanted to call his mother and share the atrocity that just happened...but, well, ok I actually DID call her but she didn't answer. And for good reason. I put down the phone and just asked God to lead Nathan wherever he needed us to be tonight. If that meant we'd be spending the evening apart, then allow me to accept that and know He was working in the midst of it. We enjoyed a great dinner,conversation and drinks, then headed back home to switch cars. We walked in the house and the conversation that unfolded took me by surprise:

Nate: "Hey. You wanna come with me tonight? 

Me: "To the Cigar Bar? For guys night?"

Nate: "Yeah. It'll be fun. It's date night, right? If you come with me, I don't have to choose."

Now, I don't smoke cigars. Or drink beer. Nor do I really prefer to inhale smoke for the evening. My immediate reaction was to say, "Thanks for the offer, babe, but I think I'm gonna curl up on the couch and read a book in my jammies."  Before I could relay the words from my head to my mouth, I remembered what I asked God to do: lead Nathan where we should be for the night. With that fresh on my mind, I grab a jacket and a book and head out with Nathan to boldly invade guys night. 

When we arrive the guys are having their cigars, obviously surprised to see me come along, but welcome me nonetheless. I order my glass of Moscato and sit down with my book, ready to dig in, zone out and let my husband enjoy guy talk. About five mins in, I quickly realize among the loud chatter, laughter, live music and such, I am NOT going to be absorbing this book. One of the guys introduces me to a girl they've known for a while. She works at the Cigar Bar and she and her husband were hanging out and enjoying the night together. For the next two hours, her and I just talk. Turned out she was into Theology and Apologetics (right up my alley) and was in a dry patch in her spiritual life. But you know, she came alive when we talked about Jesus. We both did. We didn't leave that place til after midnight. I felt encouraged and excited and so did she. I assured her that this night, and our meeting, was completely orchestrated by a Sovereign God. While she's in this dry patch, I told her we could walk through the Scriptures and learn Theology and Apologetics...together. Figure out what makes you come alive. Maybe it's service. Maybe it's studying Scripture. Maybe it's going to places "the church people" won't go and having a beer while sharing Jesus with a random stranger. Turn to God during the dry seasons. Engage in what makes you come alive and and wait on the Lord to move in your heart. Surround yourself with people who will encourage you that God's still got control of this thing. Even Jesus went through the desert. 

As my husband and I left the Cigar Bar that night, we both left a little more encouraged. He got to talk about Jesus and shoot the breeze with the guys. I, unexpectedly, met a new friend and allowed her to talk about her dry season, and assured her God expected us to go through those times. When I got in the car, I thought to myself "This is what it means when you say, 'Lord not my will, but Your's, be done.' What if I hadn't taken time to readjust my will to God's? What if I had been so desperate for my husband to have "alone time" with me that I stood in the way of God's plan for that evening? 

Nathan works from 730a-6p most nights, has "guys night" with the men of our church once a week and also dedicates a couple nights a week to learn songs to lead us in worship on Sundays. Our alone time together is sometimes few and far between, but I see him growing in Christ. I see him developing friendships with men who aren't afraid to hold him accountable to his job, his family and his spiritual life. And you know what winds up happening? Those few moments we DO have alone are so much more fulfilling. He's a happier husband, a more loving father, and a more confident man. 

How often do we interfere with God's plan and will for our husbands, and for ourselves? If we look at what "will" means, it's defined as a desire, purpose, or determination; especially of one in authority. So I ask you, who's in authority over your life and your will? There is someone on that throne. Is it you or is it God? I try to always keep in the forefront of my mind, that my husband was first and foremost designed to glorify God and fulfill His purpose in this world. I come second. Always. Even though it is tough, and causes me to have to sometimes give up my needs as his wife, it's important that I trust God. I ask God to lead my husband and then I must TRUST him to do so, "for it is God who works in [Nathan] to will and to act in order to fulfill his good purpose." - Phil.2:13

2000 Years Later: Does Prayer Still Matter?

This morning I was burdened with the subject of prayer. Quite honestly I was a little ashamed at how little I do pray, in light of the many things going on around me. There are mornings where I check prayer off my "to do list" and then go on with my day, certainly obeying what God called me to do, but keeping my fingers crossed that my little ho-hum prayer made it through the corridors of heaven and into the ears of My Father. While having my coffee this morning, I read Matthew 9:38 : "Ask The Lord of the Harvest, therefore, to send out workers into the field." It got my mind spinning.


Why did Jesus find prayer so important?
Why did he often times stop his day to be alone and pray?
If he had healing powers, a voice to calm the fiercest storms, drive out the scariest of all demons, yet still saw extreme value in prayer, I need to ask for this same passion and desire.

As I dig further into this Scripture, I came across a wonderful sermon on prayer and ways God still uses it today.  Maybe it will inspire you, like myself, to know with confidence that God indeed hears your pleas and is working His will in this world because of them. With no further adieu, I give you Mr.John Piper...

"My aim and my prayer through this message is that you might feel yourself captured by a cause and a vision a thousand times greater than your life. I pray that you will feel yourself to be part of the coming victory of God. I know that many of you feel: Look, you don’t know what I am dealing with. I just want to survive another day. I just want to keep my marriage together and raise a couple decent kids, and keep my nose clean.

Believe me, I’m not opposed to that. My aim is not to burden you. My aim is for you to feel the liberating, energizing power of seeing your all-consuming problems in connection to God’s global victory. God cares about your marriage, your kids, your singleness, your health. But these only have their greatest meaning in relation to the victory of God. I promise you it is not oppressive to see the littleness of your life in connection to the largeness of God’s victory. Every just war that has ever been fought for a great ideal has given meaning to the loneliness, and the amputations, and the widowed moms.

The connection that I want you to see today between your life and the victory of God is the connection of prayer. Your prayers are God’s way of accomplishing the victory of Jesus Christ over this world. I know that for many of you this is way beyond what you usually pray about. I think God wants to change that. I hope that praying for the victory of God in this world will become part of your life. Don’t object by saying, “I’m too small. I’m unsophisticated. I’m not educated. I’m just an ordinary, simple person.” God chose a simple, peasant virgin to bear his Son. And he chooses simple people of faith to bring his victory by prayer. O don’t rule yourself out of this great calling.

The apostle Paul was probably the greatest missionary witness to the victory of God that ever lived. God used him for tremendous breakthroughs for the spread of the gospel. Listen to his repeated plea for prayer as a means to his gospel-spreading ministry:

2 Thessalonians 3:1, “Finally, brothers, pray for us, that the word of the Lord may speed ahead and be honored, as happened among you.” The word runs and triumphs by means of prayer.

Ephesians 6:19, “[Pray] for me, that words may be given to me in opening my mouth boldly to proclaim the mystery of the gospel.” Paul’s boldness in the gospel came from God by the prayers of simple Christian believers.

Romans 15:30, “I appeal to you, brothers, by our Lord Jesus Christ and by the love of the Spirit, to strive together with me in your prayers to God on my behalf.” The wrestling of Paul to be faithful in all his sufferings was sustained by a wrestling in prayer by the brothers in Rome.

Colossians 4:3, “Pray also for us, that God may open to us a door for the word, to declare the mystery of Christ, on account of which I am in prison.” Open doors for the spread of the gospel come in answer to prayer. Therefore, in the life of Paul it is plain that prayer is God’s way of gospel victory.

Today the enemies of the church of Jesus Christ are not political or national or ethnic. Paul said, “We do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers over this present darkness, against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly places” (Ephesians 6:12). Until our King comes from heaven, we wish the destruction of no man. As Christians we do not kill our enemies, we pray for our enemies, as Jesus taught us to do (Matthew 5:44).

The great battle today is fought not with swords but with the gospel of Jesus Christ crucified and risen. It is fought for the souls of men. It is fought in the power of the Holy Spirit. It is fought with words of truth and deeds of love and justice. And all of that backed by prayer. The victory will come and will come by prayer." (taken from  Prayer and the Victory of God)

The Papers Have Been Signed. Welcome to the Banquet!

"Grace" is thrown around quite casually these days. So what's it really mean? Webster defines it as so: unmerited divine assistance given humans for their regeneration or sanctification ; a virtue coming from God; a state of sanctification enjoyed through divine grace; approval, favor. I guess in simple terms we could simply say that grace is getting something we don't deserve.

We can all probably point to some key experiences in our lives where we've been shown undeserved grace. One that sticks out in my mind was a moment in my life, 12 years ago.
Before I explain the situation, I'll need to first let you in on who I was then. I know for those of you who have just come to know me, you may not view me as the selfish, rebellious, anarchist teenager that I was, but allow me to shift your view a bit and enter my mindset.
I'm 17.

I know everything. 

I view my parents as dictators, hell bent on making life miserable. 

I steal things I want because I'd rather spend my money on necessities like American Eagle and Abercrombie clothes than on little frills like makeup and toe rings. 

I abuse my parents trust on a daily basis. 

I realize this sounds like most teenagers, but I thought I'd remove all doubt that this was me. Now that the stage of my heart is set, we can continue.

It was my senior year of high school. It was a Friday afternoon. I was shopping for some cute graduation clothes for my upcoming graduation that weekend. Without a care in the world, I casually slip a super cute toe ring into my purse and go on my way. About that time someone grabs my arm and politely asks me to come to the back of the store. 

My heart is racing.
What do I do? 

I've never actually been caught before. 

I know. I'll just offer to pay for it. That'll work. 

We make our way to the back room where the undercover cop explains she has caught me stealing, red-handedly. My sobs and pleading obviously did nothing to sway her decision. I was guilty, sure, but my mind couldn't fathom this to be so harsh a crime that I need be ARRESTED for it! I mean really, there are murderers and rapists needing be locked up and you're confronting me about a $4 toe ring?! A few minutes later, my even greater fear was realized. She needed to call my parents. What would my dad say? What are they going to think of me? I was great at deception. They knew I wasn't perfect, but they certainly wouldn't suspect I would ever steal. Within the hour, my parents are called, the police are on their way to pick me up, and my heart is crushed. The weight of my mistake, my shame, and the law were all coming down on me at once. Then walked in the police officer I'll never forget. He tried to reason with this security guard that I was only a child who made a mistake and obviously was sorry for what I had done. He pleaded with her multiple times on my behalf to no avail. 

The verdict was "guilty." 

The officer cuffed me in front instead of behind in hopes of making my long walk through the store to his patrol car less emotionally painful. It didn't work. It was still dreadfully embarrassing. Off to be processed: fingerprints, mug shots, the whole nine yards. I was put in a holding room for what felt like hours. I sobbed until I felt like I had no tears left in me. I couldn't believe what I had become. I was a good girl somewhere deep in there. I had known Christ. I believed in God. I knew right from wrong. Yet somehow, it wasn't enough to keep me from jail cell. 

With my mind running a million miles a minute and my parents' disappointment still looming, I imagined what their response would be. Maybe they'd take away my car, my phone, my food, my clothes, most definitely my dignity. I didn't care what they took away at that moment. I just wanted to be home, out of this place I knew I didn't belong. Hours went by. As I sat huddled up in the corner, I heard my name called. I walked down the long hall, dreading the eye to eye moment with my dad. They opened the door to the waiting area and there I see him, signing papers for my release. My mom walks over and hugs me. I think I remember my little brother sitting in the corner, smirking. Then I see my dad, as he finishes signing the papers, meet eye to eye with me. I could see the pain, worry and frustration in his eyes. Without hesitation, he came over to me, put a hand on my shoulder and asked, "Are you ready to get something to eat?" I'm not sure he will ever know the impact those words had on me that day. 

When the full brunt of punishment was deserved, but grace was shown instead, it changed my heart. I never stole a single thing again after that day. 

Maybe you've never committed a crime punishable by the state law.

Maybe you've never seen the inside of a physical jail cell.

But we have all been counted as "guilty" before God.

We've all experienced our personal jail cells in life.

We've all felt the weight of consequence.

How many times do we see our sin, our shortcomings. and try to cover them?
How often to we try to pay for it? 

We think, "Yes I made a mistake there, but I'll make up for it here." 

How many times have we dreaded God seeing us in the middle of our struggle, assured He would ashamed of us and condemn us for our crime?

The Law has been laid down. No one is able to keep it perfectly, blamelessly. We are all deserving of a jail cell. The grace and love of God offers us freedom. Where grace is on one end of the sentence, mercy is at the opposite end. Everything in between is covered by Jesus' death on the Cross. Your past, present and future sins have been paid for, indefinitely. It is finished. You are redeemed. You are justified. You are blameless in His eyes. The papers have been signed. We are pardoned and are now welcomed to join Him in the Banquet. My prayer is that God would allow us to see His amazing grace in midst of our circumstances, and upon seeing it, "we will be glad, encouraged and remain true to the Lord with all of our hearts." 

"Grace is most needed and best understood in the midst of sin, suffering, and brokenness. We live in a world of earning, deserving, and merit, and these result in judgment. That is why everyone wants and needs grace. Judgment kills. Only grace makes alive."