A man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
– Genesis 2:24
This verse is God’s original blueprint for how marriage is supposed to work. It involves a tearing away and a knitting together. It reconfigures existing relationships while establishing a brand new one. Marriage changes everything.
That’s why couples who don’t take this “leaving” and “cleaving” message to heart will reap the consequences down the line, when the problems are much harder to repair without hurting someone.
“Leaving” means that you are breaking a natural tie. Your parents step into the role of counselors to be respected, but can no longer tell you what to do. Sometimes the difficulty in doing this comes from the original source. A parent may not be ready to release you yet from their control and expectations. Whether through unhealthy dependence or inner struggles over the empty nest, parents don’t always take their share of this responsibility. In such cases, the grown child has to make “leaving” a courageous choice of his own. And far too often, this break is not made in the right way.
Are you and your spouse still living with unresolved issues because of a failure to cut the apron strings? Do either of your parents continue to create problems within your home – perhaps without their even knowing it? What needs to happen to put a stop to this before it creates too wide of a division in your marriage?
Unity is a marriage quality to be guarded at a great cost. The purpose of “leaving,” of course, is not to abandon all contact with the past but rather to preserve the unique oneness that marriage is designed to capture. Only in oneness can you become all that God means for you to be.
If you’re too tightly drawn to your parents, the singular identity of your marriage will not be able to come to flower. You will always be held back, and a root of division will continue to send up new shoots into your relationship. It won’t go away unless you do something about it. For without “leaving,” you cannot do the “cleaving” you need, the joining of your hearts that’s required to experience oneness.
“Cleaving” carries the idea of catching someone by pursuit, clinging to them as your new rock of refuge and safety. This man is now the spiritual leader of your new home, tasked with the responsibility of loving you “just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25). This woman is now one in union with you, called to “see to it that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33).
As a result of this essential process, you are now free to become everything God meant when He declared you “one flesh.”
· You are able to achieve oneness in your decision making, even when you begin from differing viewpoints.
· You are able to achieve oneness in your priorities, even through you’ve come together from backgrounds that could hardly be more different.
· You are able to achieve oneness in your sexual affections toward each other, even if either of both of you have memories of impurity in your pre-marital past.
If this is not how things are going in your home right now, you’re unfortunately in the majority. It’s not out of character for couples of all kinds – even Christian couples – to ignore God’s design for marriage, thinking they know better than He does. Genesis 2:24 may have sounded nice and noble when it was wrapped around the sharing of vows at the wedding. But as a fundamental principle to be put into place and practiced as a living fact – this just seems too difficult to do. But this is what you must make any sacrifice to reclaim.
It’s hard – extremely hard – when the pursuit of oneness is basically one-sided. Your spouse may not be interested at all in recapturing the unity you had at first. Even if there is some desire on his or her part, there may still be issues between you that are nowhere close to being resolved.
But if you’ll continue to keep a passion for oneness forefront in your mind and heart, your relationship over time will begin to reflect the inescapable “one flesh” design that is printed on its DNA. You don’t have to go looking for it. It’s already there. But you don’t have to live it, or there’s nothing else to expect than disunity.
Leave. And cleave. And dare to walk as one.
The Dare: "Is there a “leaving” issue you haven’t been brave enough to conquer yet? Confess it to your spouse today, and resolve to make it right. The oneness of your marriage is dependent upon it. Follow this with a commitment to your spouse and to God to make your marriage the top priority over every other human relationship."
The Outcome: When I first read this "leave and cleave" subject, I thought, "Well, I know that I have done that. I handle my relationship fine without involving my parents. This dare doesn't apply to me at all." It's funny how when you hear something, your first reaction is to doubt the area of concern pertains to you. Upon finishing this chapter though, God was not going to let me get away that easy.
If "to cleave" means to adhere firmly and closely or loyally and unwaveringly, that means I should be able to, without a doubt, support my husband in decisions, back him up, believe in him no matter what. Now, what happens if I have always had a surface relationship with my parents, one in which we try not to stir waters or engage in conversation that would make them uncomfortable? I not only would carry that into my marriage, and possibly handle my marriage in the same manner. But, I would also handle any instances that arise between my parents and my spouse the same way, with avoidance.
It's not something I do on purpose, out of spite towards my spouse, it's just the way I am used to conversing with my parents. Say, for instance, there is something that bothers my spouse to the point they are obviously and outwardly frustrated. Because of my inability to share openly with my parents, I choose to keep things quiet. My spouse is obviously hurting, wishing we could engage in conversation to smooth things out, but I am unwilling. After all, facing my parents would be uncomfortable for me. That says to my spouse, "I hear your pain. I see that you are hurting. But, I'm sorry. It's just too uncomfortable for me to bring up issues with my family." You probably wouldn't dare say that out in the open, but that is what you imply every time you refuse to help your spouse work through emotions they have. Your parents have just earned the right your spouse, and only your spouse should have: your complete determination and devotion to oneness.
It's time to show your spouse they are number one in your life again. You may have to agree to disagree on some things. You may have to face some uncomfortable situations. But your spouse, the one God has given to you for safe-keeping, needs to know you will bend over backwards to support them physically, mentally, and for women most importantly, emotionally. Cut the ties that hold you, and your spouse back, from truly becoming one. You have God's full support and ability on your side.
Day 31: SUCCESS
9 days and counting...
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