When One Became Two | Looking Through the Jagged Pieces of a Stained-Glass Window

Tears. Confusion. Frustration. Severe reflux. Colic. Multiple ear infections.

Much like a tag you would enter into the search field of an internet browser, those words were the ones that best described our first year with Owen. Sure, there were some happy times. There were moments of joy instead of sorrow, but above all, what was meant to be a gift had seemed to wrap itself in a curse. Now, before you look down on me and think my words are harsh, keep in mind there was more going on here than meets the eye. It was a slow, arduous process of sanctification, disguised as a little bundle of cuteness. 

After three years of marriage, and having walked through a miscarriage the year before, my husband and I joyfully accepted he surprising news we were expecting again. Its hard to explain the mixed emotions of conceiving after a miscarriage. Joy but skepticism. Elation but reservation. Excitement mixed with fear. It's kind of like having one foot on the side of anticipation and one securely planted in doubt, certain you can shift your weight in either direction when the time seems appropriate. 

Thirty-eight and a half weeks come and go and all of a sudden, our wonderfully controlled, full-time working, couple-minded lives go from easy-breezy to all out chaos. It seemed like one thing after another. I remember at one point wondering how in the world this little 6.8 lb baby could cause cause such a shift in our "normal." All of a sudden, I had to lay down my life. I had to sacrifice all of me for him. I had to give up even the part-time work I had planned on returning to, to stay home and "mother" this baby that clearly wasn't following my plan. Have you every loved something or someone so much that it just caused you physical pain at the thought of not being able to fully care for and protect it? That's what this was. It was too much love. It was too powerful. And I couldn't control it. 

Breastfeeding every few hours. Soothing a colicky baby at the most inopportune times. Holding, rocking, comforting during his 6 weeks stints of multiple ear infections. Enduring a one week hospital stay with a 4-week-old baby, where I experienced the awful moments of hearing my child scream himself to sleep from pain and hunger because he couldn't eat for three days straight. 

Time passed and Owen grew out of the stage of endless crying, colic and reflux. I must say, I was glad to see that first year come and go. And I wanted no part of that time in my life again. So, my husband and I both agreed Owen would be an only child. But, God had other plans.  

Fast forward to present day, I have a little girl growing inside of me who was never even considered until this time last year. I remember it clearly, the moment the Holy Spirit broke my heart and gave me an unrelenting desire for another child. It was seemingly out of nowhere. Just a calm, gentle voice that first convicted me of my sin I had been unknowingly harboring for years: the idea that a baby was a curse, not a blessing. And then replacing it with a desire...His desire. An overwhelming desire to walk through that stage again with fresh eyes and a new heart who, in many aspects for the first time, really knew its Father. 

 Despite our irrational misconceptions, Owen was given to us as a blessing. He was a gift, from a loving Father, who knew it was best that we not be given a sweet, happy-go-lucky baby. We needed to experience for ourselves what it was like to lay down our lives for a season. God desired that year of heartache and fear to give us the opportunity to let go of control and trust Him. He didn't want this little bundle of joy to separate us and cause division in our marriage. We allowed that to happen. His plan was always for us to fall on our knees and stand up together.

What we see as jagged pieces of glass, set before us to cut and inflict pain, the Lord sees as the pieces of a beautiful stained-glass window. We just can't see it from His point of view, so we have to trust Him.  How can we ever fully trust Him if we don't have a clear concept who He is and his intentions for us? We need some clarity if we are ever going to stand on solid ground during times of testing.

For the first time in my life, I'm looking forward to Isabelle arriving as a time of rest. Yes, there will be around the clock feedings, and diaper changes, and consoling and all the other inconveniences-disguised-as-blessings, but this time... this season in my life, the Lord has prepared the way and I am ready to face whatever may come. 

The name Isabelle means "gift to God," and we chose it for good reason. Although she is a wonderful gift He has given to us, we are determined this time around, to give our time, our sacrifices and this beautiful baby girl, back to Him. 

Knowing I will stay have to lay down my life. 

Knowing I still can't control the outcome.

Knowing we may have a repeat of challenges we faced with Owen.

But embracing the coming moments as sanctification. 

Holding onto the promises that my Father will always be looking out for my good and His glory.