Wow....it's been a while! Life has been busy for me. Hectic would be a more appropriate word. Nate works for an insurance company and is trained to handle "CAT" duty, better know as "catastrophe" duty. Needless to say, after the storms and tornados wreaked havoc on the Southeast, his assistance was needed desperately. So, he was deployed for 21 days. Yes, TWENTY ONE days! Now, I realize for you military spouses that this seems trivial, and in all respect to you and your separation time, it is! But for me, who was very dependent on Nate and his presence in mine and Owen's lives, this was TOUGH. God had a few courses up his sleeve that I needed to learn and by the end of it, I think I made an A!
I battled at first mostly with my emotions, feeling heartbroken that my other "half" was so far away. The first week, I slept in fear every night. With a gun by my bedside, my alarm set, Tylenol PM relaxing my mind and soft worship music playing, I was certain I was finally safe. If the gun didn't scare them off, surely the piercing alarm would. If the alarm didn't succeed, surely my droggy state of mind would. And if all those things failed at scaring off an intruder, surely they'd hear the worship music and feel guilty! But God, in his love for me, new that wasn't healthy. He needed me in a position, stripped of all my securities, so I could learn to trust him, no matter what the outcome! I'm proud to say, after the first week, I began to trust a little more. I kept the gun in the drawer, not out in the open. I didn't feel the need to play music all night long. Now I still set my alarm, but hey, God created those for a reason! By week three, I was going to sleep peacefully and without a single outside light on (well, maybe the front light...but that's a huge improvement from the five spotlights I'd leave on every night). I learned to be more independent during this time. I braced myself to handle the storms that came through, knowing that I would be the earthly provider of Owen's protection. I took my punctured tire into the dealership to be fixed. I killed spiders on my own (first time with my foot, later with my hands)! I took Owen to Gatlinburg when our family trip plans feel through. I handled "creepers" in my neighborhood, all on my own (with help of the police). I worked through situations that I had never realized I had become so dependent on Nate to handle. My poor family and friends probably got a tearful phone call from me at least every other day, but I felt with each new day, I got stronger.Change is hard. Servanthood is tough. But, God wasn't going to let me off the hook that easy.
It's easy to start to put your faith, trust and hope into the person you spend the most time with. It quickly becomes a habit to depend on them for your safety, comfort and well-being. But when all else fails, and yes, that person will one day fail you, whether by happenstance or purposefully, you will have God there to pick up the pieces. I feel that He wanted to make my joy complete. That couldn't be done if my life and happiness were still so dependent on my husband.
What better time than the present to start to trust Him a little more. Believe He has your best interest at heart. Know that "He will not let your foot slip--he who watches over you will not slumber."
"God grant me the serenity to accept the people I cannot change, the courage to change the one I can, and the wisdom to know it's me. "
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