Day Seventeen: "Love Promotes Intimacy"

"He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends."

– Proverbs 17:9 

Each of us comes into life with an inborn hunger to be known, love, and accepted. We want people to know your name, to recognize us when they see us, and to value who we are. The prospect of sharing our home with another person who knows us down to the most intimate detail is part of the deep pleasure of marriage.

Yet this great blessing is also the site of its greatest danger. Someone who knows us this intimately can either love us at a depth we never imagined, or can wound us in ways we may never fully recover from. It’s both the fire and the fear of marriage.

If home is not considered a place of safety, you will both be tempted to seek it somewhere else. Perhaps you might look to another person initiating a relationship that either flirts with adultery or actually enters in. You may look for comfort in work or outside hobbies, something that partially shields you from intimacy but also keeps you around people who respect and accept you.

Some of these secrets may need correcting. Therefore, you can be an agent of healing and repair – not by lecturing, not by criticizing, but by listening in love and offering support.

Some of these secrets just need to be accepted. They are part of this person’s make-up and history. And though these issues may not be very pleasant to deal with, they will always require a gentle touch.

In either case, you and you alone wield the power either to reject your spouse because of this or to welcome them in – warts and all. They will either know they’re in a place of safety where they are free to make mistakes, or they will recoil into themselves and be lost to you, perhaps forever. Loving them well should be your life’s work.

The reality of intimacy always takes time to develop, especially after being compromised. But your commitment to re-establishing it can happen today – for anyone willing to take the dare.

The Dare: "Determine to guard your mate’s secrets (unless they are dangerous to them or to you) and to pray for them. Talk with your spouse, and resolve to demonstrate love in spite of these issues. Really listen to them when they share personal thoughts and struggles with you. Make them feel safe."

The Outcome: It is taboo to think your mate will not have a past. Love isn't blind to the reality that you were not always the first priority in your spouse's life. After all, you didn't meet them at three years old and vow to be theirs from that day on. Other people, other interests, other desires were there before you were. One thing you don't anticipate is  your past catching up with your present reality. 

I know most things about Nathan, past and present. His struggles. His fears. His likes and dislikes. He knows the same about me. When we married seven and a half years ago, we were on cloud nine. Nothing and no one could stand in our way. There was no other priority (interest or person) that could rival the passion we had in our hearts for one another. That was seven years, many disappointments, many broken promises and many heartaches ago. 

Something happened somewhere in between those years. We got lazy. We stopped learning about each other. We allowed struggles and temptations of our past to sway us from the road we had traveled down together. Things pulled us away from each other. We reached a point where we weren't sure we could, or even wanted, to return to that road again. Our pasts that had obviously not been dealt with entirely, came into our present and haunted our marriage. Things we thought were hashed out and dealt with a long time ago suddenly resurfaced to prove to us we had just buried them. 

If you don't handle the demons of your past, they will resurface. Whether it's an addiction you struggled with, a relationship that wasn't completely severed, a deep hurt you never mended...it will come out at the most opportune time. Take the time you need to heal. Let God clean up the mess in your past. It will allow you to live a much freer future. Help your mate walk through their closets. Maybe they have skeletons they didn't even know existed there. The couple that works together, heals together.


DAY SEVENTEEN: SUCCESS

23 days and counting...

Day Sixteen: "Love Intercedes"

Beloved, I pray that in all respects you may prosper and be in good health, just as your soul prospers. 

– 3 John 2

"You cannot change your spouse. As much as you may want to, you cannot play God and reach into their heart and mold them into what you want them to be. But that’s what most couples spend a large part of their time trying to do – change their spouse.

Insanity has been described as doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. But isn’t that what happens when you try to change your mate? It’s frustration at the highest level. At some point you have to accept that it’s not something you can do. But here’s what you can do. You can become a “wise farmer.”

A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop. He cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to bear fruit. But he can plant the seed into fertile soil, give it water and nutrients, protect it from weeds, and then turn it over to God. Millions of farmers have made a livelihood from this process over the centuries. They know that not every seed sprouts. But most will grow when planted in proper soil and given what they need.

There is no guarantee that anything in this book will change your spouse. But that’s not what this book is about. It’s about daring to love. If you take the Love Dare seriously, there is a high likelihood that you will be personally changed from the inside out.

And if you carry out each dare, your spouse will likely be affected and your marriage will begin to bloom in front of your eyes. It may take weeks. It may even take years. But regardless of the soil you’re working with, you are to plan for success. You are to get weeds out of your marriage. You are to nurture the soil of your mate’s heart and then depend on God for the results."

The Dare: "Begin praying for your spouse’s heart. Pray for three specific areas where you desire for God to work in your spouse’s life and in your marriage."

The Outcome: I have spent a lot of time on my knees (literally and figuratively) over the past couple of years. I have to be honest, if not for the hours I spent in prayer, I don't know Nathan and I would've made it through the hard times we faced back then. On the outside, some marriages seem to have it all together. It's usually the ones you least expect would have problems, that do. More often than not its the ones who portray everything is perfect in their little world that struggle the most. 

That was us. We were struggling to stay above water. Not many people knew the issues we were struggling through. When the "fit hits the shan", and eventually it does, there will be quite a few shocked people. It's easier to be yourself than to put on a facade. It makes people feel comfortable knowing they aren't alone. It helps them work through their own issues when they know you've conquered the same ones. It makes others feel like less of a screw-up. And honestly,it gives them something to do. Something to pray about...or unfortunately, something to gossip about. What they do with your confession isn't up to you. If they choose not to forgive or accept you for who you are, flaws and all, that's their choice. Life is lived a lot easier when you take off the mask. 

“There is a beautiful transparency to honest disciples who never wear a false face and do not pretend to be anything but who they are.” 

Day Fifteen: "Love is Honorable"

"Live with your wives in an understanding way … and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life."

1 Peter 3:7

"When two people marry, each spouse becomes “holy” to each other by way of “holy matrimony.” This means no other person in the whole world is supposed to enjoy this level of commitment and endearment from you. Your relationship is like no other. Your share physical intimacy with only her, only him. You establish a home with this person. You bear your children with this person. Your heart, your possessions, your life itself is to be wrapped up in the uncommon bond you share with this one in individual.

Perhaps you don’t feel this way and maybe for good reason. Perhaps you wish some outsider could see the level of disrespect you get from your wife or husband – someone who would make your mate feel embarrassed to be exposed for who they really are behind closed doors.

But that’s not the issue with love. Love honors even when it’s rejected. Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return."

The Dare:  "Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."

The Outcome:  Nathan showed me honor by listening. He paused ESPN, looked me in the eyes, and listened to something important I needed to talk to him about. It was definitely an uncomfortable conversation for him, but it was needed. He usually can hide behind the TV or play it off with a joke, but this time he sat...and listened. I honored Nate in a way that meant a lot to him also...however, it is not "G-rated" and this blog is, so the details will stay between us:)

DAY 15: SUCCESS

25 days and counting...

Day Fourteen: "Love Takes Delight"

"Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life."

Ecclesiastes 9:9

"A newlywed takes delight in the one they now call their spouse. Their love is fresh and young, and the hopes for a romantic future linger in their hearts. However, there is something just as powerful as that fresh, new love. It comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love him or her no matter how long you've been married. In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it's a truer love because it has its eyes wide open.

Left to ourselves, we'll always lean toward being disappointed. She'll get on your nerves. He'll aggravate you. But our days are too short to waste in bickering over petty things. Life is too fleeting for that. Instead, it's time to lead your heart once again to delight in your mate. Accept this person- quirks, flaws and all-and welcome him or her back into your heart."

The Dare: "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."

The Outcome: A few years ago, Nathan and I found ourselves at a crossroads. The road in front of us said, "Impossible," the road to the right said, "Divorce," and the road to the left said, "Misery." You may have or may one day be standing at this same intersection where you have a choice: throw in the towel and give up or fight for a marriage that you have almost checked out of? One doesn't close their eyes and awake to see themselves at this place. It takes a long walk down Disappointment Road to land there. Along that road are broken promises, many stops and lingering visits in the Depreciation Room, dangerous battlefields where words were spoken like venom. They are all landmarks that you visit along the lonely, winding road that dead ends at the Crossroads. 

We had a choice. We didn't make the choice to walk down Impossible Road because of our "feelings." At that point, our feelings had run dry. We weren't sure what love felt like anymore but we knew it didn't thrive in our hearts at the moment. We made a decision based on choice instead of feeling. We decided to push through, walk down an impossible road, together...and know that God is the God of Impossible. All things ARE possible with Him.

I believe in a God of restoration. I knew the same power that resurrected Jesus from the grave could resurrect my dying marriage. I'm pleased to say that it did. Our choice made out of a decision, later became a choice we stayed in because of feelings. Feelings we thought were long dead. Ones we never thought we'd experience again. We, along with God, led our hearts out. There will be days when we make choices more out of decision than feelings, but there will never be a day that we will allow our hearts to once again drift down Disappointment Road.

For yesterday's dare, I decided to not write my blog for the day (which means I will have to write two today). I instead chose to spend time with Nathan and our family at my wonderful nephew's birthday party. We decided to just enjoy each other.

DAY 26: SUCCESS

25 days and counting...

Day Thirteen: "Love Fights Fair"

"If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand."

Mark 3:25

"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off a cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes."

The Dare: "Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs."

The Outcome: This is a subject Nate and I rarely consider until we are in the heat of battle, then it's too late to implore logical reason. I can hear you gasping as you read, "You and Nate fight?!?!" YES! We have many heated battles. We are two very strong-willed, stubborn people. There is bound to be some interesting fights. We are good at putting our arguments on hold in social settings, though. Which is why some people (except those closest to us) think we must never argue. Well, now that the cat is out of the bag, I will take it one step further. I, Danielle Burlison, am a "name-caller" during battles. I'm not talking cursing, I'm talking childish words that I used when I fought with my brothers, "stupid, idiot, dumby, etc..." What can I say? The only practice I've had in arguments is with my brothers and those words always seemed to work back then! I know, I know. It's not something I'm proud of or care to admit to the blogging/Facebook world, but if this blog is about being real and helping people understand they are normal, then my pride has to be set aside. 

Needless to say, our number one rule to fighting fair is, "No name-calling." If I'm honest about the reasons I call names, it would be to try and find the best word to hurt Nathan. Do I love him? Of course. Would I rather kill him during some arguments? You bet. We've learned through this book, and by slowing down and thinking about our life together, that love doesn't try to cut each other down "in the moment." Love decides to lose the battle in order to win the war. Love fights fair...

DAY THIRTEEN: SUCCESS

27 days and counting...

Day Twelve: "Love Lets the Other Win"

"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others."

Phillipians 2:4

The Dare: "Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."

The Outcome: Oddly enough, we didn't have ANY situation arise that turned into a disagreement. Before you say, "that is amazing, they must have the perfect relationship," let me kindly correct you...we don't! We have our battles...and I mean "knock down drag out" battles. We have fundamental differences on things, but we also disagree on the little things sometimes. I love the room to be cold so I can snuggle under the covers at night. Nathan freezes with the fan on. Last night, (and the night before, i might add) I put his preference first and slept with the fan off. Hey, it's not much, but it's a start!

"No, you won't always see eye-to-eye. You're not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary. Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won't have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from."

DAY TWELVE: SUCCESS

28 days and counting...

Day Eleven: "Love Cherishes"

"Husbands ought to also love their own wives as their own bodies."

Ephesians 5:28

The Dare: "What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, 'I cherish you' and do it with a smile."

The Outcome:  For the last month, Nate has been put on what we call "Concierge Duty." For 3 months out of the year everyone employed within his company is on rotation to work in the Concierge. His normal workday begins at 8:30 and ends around 4:30. During "Concierge Duty," he leaves the house by 7 a.m. and doesn't get home until about 6:00 p.m. That's working in Marietta for you. He is usually pretty rushed to hurry home, change clothes, squeeze in a quick workout, and try to get back home before Owen goes to bed at 8 p.m. For my "dare" today, I decided to make his lunch (which he usually does after Owen goes to bed). Sure, it only took ten minutes to put all SIX of his meals together, but it was a gesture to show him I cherish his time at home with us.

We had a late night tonight. We cleaned house late, ate dinner late, got Owen into bed late and I could feel the tension starting inside of me (I tend to get stressed when my house isn't clean by 8 p.m, and it's 9 p.m. at this point). I got Owen ready for bed and laid down with him to have our nightly bedside chat. I was there physically but my mind was focusing on everything I still needed to get done before I retired for the night. Clean the kitchen. Pick up toys. Straighten up the living room...blah, blah, blah. As I kissed Owen good night, said his bedtime prayers and walked out the door, I saw the house was spotless and Nate was directing me towards the bathroom where steam from the hot bubble bath had already fogged the mirrors, a soft smell of cotton filled the room from the candles and my chilled glass of wine sat on the table next to the bathtub...HEAVENLY! Feeling of being cherished....accomplished:)

DAY ELEVEN: SUCCESS

29 days and counting...