Day Fifteen: "Love is Honorable"

"Live with your wives in an understanding way … and show her honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life."

1 Peter 3:7

"When two people marry, each spouse becomes “holy” to each other by way of “holy matrimony.” This means no other person in the whole world is supposed to enjoy this level of commitment and endearment from you. Your relationship is like no other. Your share physical intimacy with only her, only him. You establish a home with this person. You bear your children with this person. Your heart, your possessions, your life itself is to be wrapped up in the uncommon bond you share with this one in individual.

Perhaps you don’t feel this way and maybe for good reason. Perhaps you wish some outsider could see the level of disrespect you get from your wife or husband – someone who would make your mate feel embarrassed to be exposed for who they really are behind closed doors.

But that’s not the issue with love. Love honors even when it’s rejected. Love treats its beloved as special and sacred even when an ungrateful attitude is all you get in return."

The Dare:  "Choose a way to show honor and respect to your spouse that is above your normal routine.  It may be holding the door for her.  It might be putting his clothes away for him.  It may be the way you listen and speak in your communication.  Show your mate that he or she is highly esteemed in your eyes."

The Outcome:  Nathan showed me honor by listening. He paused ESPN, looked me in the eyes, and listened to something important I needed to talk to him about. It was definitely an uncomfortable conversation for him, but it was needed. He usually can hide behind the TV or play it off with a joke, but this time he sat...and listened. I honored Nate in a way that meant a lot to him also...however, it is not "G-rated" and this blog is, so the details will stay between us:)

DAY 15: SUCCESS

25 days and counting...

Day Fourteen: "Love Takes Delight"

"Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life."

Ecclesiastes 9:9

"A newlywed takes delight in the one they now call their spouse. Their love is fresh and young, and the hopes for a romantic future linger in their hearts. However, there is something just as powerful as that fresh, new love. It comes from the decision to delight in your spouse and to love him or her no matter how long you've been married. In other words, love that chooses to love is just as powerful as love that feels like loving. In many ways, it's a truer love because it has its eyes wide open.

Left to ourselves, we'll always lean toward being disappointed. She'll get on your nerves. He'll aggravate you. But our days are too short to waste in bickering over petty things. Life is too fleeting for that. Instead, it's time to lead your heart once again to delight in your mate. Accept this person- quirks, flaws and all-and welcome him or her back into your heart."

The Dare: "Purposefully neglect an activity you would normally do so you can spend quality time with your spouse. Do something he or she would love to do or a project they'd really like to work on. Just be together."

The Outcome: A few years ago, Nathan and I found ourselves at a crossroads. The road in front of us said, "Impossible," the road to the right said, "Divorce," and the road to the left said, "Misery." You may have or may one day be standing at this same intersection where you have a choice: throw in the towel and give up or fight for a marriage that you have almost checked out of? One doesn't close their eyes and awake to see themselves at this place. It takes a long walk down Disappointment Road to land there. Along that road are broken promises, many stops and lingering visits in the Depreciation Room, dangerous battlefields where words were spoken like venom. They are all landmarks that you visit along the lonely, winding road that dead ends at the Crossroads. 

We had a choice. We didn't make the choice to walk down Impossible Road because of our "feelings." At that point, our feelings had run dry. We weren't sure what love felt like anymore but we knew it didn't thrive in our hearts at the moment. We made a decision based on choice instead of feeling. We decided to push through, walk down an impossible road, together...and know that God is the God of Impossible. All things ARE possible with Him.

I believe in a God of restoration. I knew the same power that resurrected Jesus from the grave could resurrect my dying marriage. I'm pleased to say that it did. Our choice made out of a decision, later became a choice we stayed in because of feelings. Feelings we thought were long dead. Ones we never thought we'd experience again. We, along with God, led our hearts out. There will be days when we make choices more out of decision than feelings, but there will never be a day that we will allow our hearts to once again drift down Disappointment Road.

For yesterday's dare, I decided to not write my blog for the day (which means I will have to write two today). I instead chose to spend time with Nathan and our family at my wonderful nephew's birthday party. We decided to just enjoy each other.

DAY 26: SUCCESS

25 days and counting...

Day Thirteen: "Love Fights Fair"

"If a house is divided against itself, that house will not be able to stand."

Mark 3:25

"The deepest, most heartbreaking damage you'll ever do to your marriage will most likely occur in the thick of conflict. That's because this is when your pride is strongest. Your anger is hottest. You're the most selfish and judgmental. Your words contain the most venom. You make the worst decisions. A great marriage on Monday can start driving off a cliff on Tuesday if unbridled conflict takes over and neither of you has your foot on the brakes."

The Dare: "Talk with your spouse about establishing healthy rules of engagement. If you mate is not ready for this, then write out your own personal rules to "fight" by. Resolve to abide by them when the next disagreement occurs."

The Outcome: This is a subject Nate and I rarely consider until we are in the heat of battle, then it's too late to implore logical reason. I can hear you gasping as you read, "You and Nate fight?!?!" YES! We have many heated battles. We are two very strong-willed, stubborn people. There is bound to be some interesting fights. We are good at putting our arguments on hold in social settings, though. Which is why some people (except those closest to us) think we must never argue. Well, now that the cat is out of the bag, I will take it one step further. I, Danielle Burlison, am a "name-caller" during battles. I'm not talking cursing, I'm talking childish words that I used when I fought with my brothers, "stupid, idiot, dumby, etc..." What can I say? The only practice I've had in arguments is with my brothers and those words always seemed to work back then! I know, I know. It's not something I'm proud of or care to admit to the blogging/Facebook world, but if this blog is about being real and helping people understand they are normal, then my pride has to be set aside. 

Needless to say, our number one rule to fighting fair is, "No name-calling." If I'm honest about the reasons I call names, it would be to try and find the best word to hurt Nathan. Do I love him? Of course. Would I rather kill him during some arguments? You bet. We've learned through this book, and by slowing down and thinking about our life together, that love doesn't try to cut each other down "in the moment." Love decides to lose the battle in order to win the war. Love fights fair...

DAY THIRTEEN: SUCCESS

27 days and counting...

Day Twelve: "Love Lets the Other Win"

"Do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interest of others."

Phillipians 2:4

The Dare: "Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first."

The Outcome: Oddly enough, we didn't have ANY situation arise that turned into a disagreement. Before you say, "that is amazing, they must have the perfect relationship," let me kindly correct you...we don't! We have our battles...and I mean "knock down drag out" battles. We have fundamental differences on things, but we also disagree on the little things sometimes. I love the room to be cold so I can snuggle under the covers at night. Nathan freezes with the fan on. Last night, (and the night before, i might add) I put his preference first and slept with the fan off. Hey, it's not much, but it's a start!

"No, you won't always see eye-to-eye. You're not supposed to be carbon copies of each other. If you were, one of you would be unnecessary. Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won't have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship. Rather, your differences are for listening to and learning from."

DAY TWELVE: SUCCESS

28 days and counting...

Day Eleven: "Love Cherishes"

"Husbands ought to also love their own wives as their own bodies."

Ephesians 5:28

The Dare: "What need does your spouse have that you could meet today? Can you run an errand? Give a back rub or foot massage? Is there housework you could help with? Choose a gesture that says, 'I cherish you' and do it with a smile."

The Outcome:  For the last month, Nate has been put on what we call "Concierge Duty." For 3 months out of the year everyone employed within his company is on rotation to work in the Concierge. His normal workday begins at 8:30 and ends around 4:30. During "Concierge Duty," he leaves the house by 7 a.m. and doesn't get home until about 6:00 p.m. That's working in Marietta for you. He is usually pretty rushed to hurry home, change clothes, squeeze in a quick workout, and try to get back home before Owen goes to bed at 8 p.m. For my "dare" today, I decided to make his lunch (which he usually does after Owen goes to bed). Sure, it only took ten minutes to put all SIX of his meals together, but it was a gesture to show him I cherish his time at home with us.

We had a late night tonight. We cleaned house late, ate dinner late, got Owen into bed late and I could feel the tension starting inside of me (I tend to get stressed when my house isn't clean by 8 p.m, and it's 9 p.m. at this point). I got Owen ready for bed and laid down with him to have our nightly bedside chat. I was there physically but my mind was focusing on everything I still needed to get done before I retired for the night. Clean the kitchen. Pick up toys. Straighten up the living room...blah, blah, blah. As I kissed Owen good night, said his bedtime prayers and walked out the door, I saw the house was spotless and Nate was directing me towards the bathroom where steam from the hot bubble bath had already fogged the mirrors, a soft smell of cotton filled the room from the candles and my chilled glass of wine sat on the table next to the bathtub...HEAVENLY! Feeling of being cherished....accomplished:)

DAY ELEVEN: SUCCESS

29 days and counting...

Day Ten..."Love is Unconditional"

"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8

The Dare: "Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse - something that proves (to you and them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage.

 The Outcome: I think we BOTH blew this dare out of the water! I noticed while heading out to the gym yesterday afternoon that I had a screw sticking out of my tire by about an inch and a half, which translated to me going nowhere. I didn't want to risk the screw falling out while driving, then consequently being tested on my tire-changing skills which are definitely non-existent. I called Nate and he called every place in town and no one seemed to have my tire in stock. We finally found someone who had what we needed, however it involved a drive to Kennesaw to get it...at 6:30 in the morning the next day, on my day off. There was NOTHING pleasant about having to wake up my four year old, get him dressed for the day, and go sit in a waiting room at a tire place for an hour or so at the buttcrack of dawn. After getting everything ready to go first thing in the morning, I went out in the garage and saw Nate was changing my tire to the spare. He then informed me he had let his employer know he would be in late. He left his car for me to drive for the day, and took my car to Kennesaw and waited for them to finish the tire, then took my car to work. This would mean he would inevitably have to work through lunch. 



Owen and I decided to venture out to his work, which was an act of God that we ever arrived, seeing how I could get lost driving from my work back home. We hand delivered to him an Arby's Market Fresh sandwich (his favorite) and a Red Bull (his second favorite) at work. He was not only surprised I took the time to FIND his work (hey, in my defense he isn't always at the concierge, he's usually working from his car), but also took time out of my day to bring him some little "pleasures." Owen and I visited a while, then came back home. While Owen napped, I slaved over a weeks worth of unfolded laundry. Whew! I never thought folding, separating and hanging laundry could possibly take up a full hour and a half. It was like a breath of fresh air to have it done though!

DAY TEN: SUCCESS

30 days and counting...

Day Eight and Nine...

‎"Place me like a seal over your heart, like a seal on your arm; for love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like blazing fire, like a mighty flame." 

_Song of Solomon 8:6_

Day Eight: "Love is Not Jealous"

The Dare: "Determine to become your spouse's biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday's list of negative attributes and burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed."

The Outcome: I didn't "physically" burn the negative list I had written, mainly because I thought it would be kind of cheesy, but I did throw it out and refuse to focus on it any longer. I won't live in denial that there is a list that exists, whether written or not, for myself and for Nathan. In our human nature, we can't help but notice each others shortcomings along the way. But to the same degree I know there is a list, I believe just as much that I have a choice in the matter. I have a choice to dwell on it or pray on it. I'm choosing to love. I'm choosing to lead my heart. I'm choosing to pray on it. 

Day Eight: SUCCESS

32 days and counting...

"Greet one another with a kiss of love."

1 Peter 5:14

Day Nine: "Love makes good impressions."

The Dare:  "Think of a specific way you'd like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them."

The Outcome:  This was actually really tough for me, as it would be for most people who have been married for almost eight years. You see each other day in and day out. You wake up together. You go to bed together. You spend every day together other than work. You get used to each other. Now, I personally am not a "lovey dovey" person. I don't care to give hugs and make out every time I see my husband. It's not that I don't love him or don't feel attracted to him, it's just that I've gotten used to seeing him everyday. Nathan leaves on Catastrophe Duty roughly 3 times a year, for two to three weeks at a time for work. I've definitely learned "absence makes the heart grow fonder." I tend to hug him a little longer before he leaves, kiss him a little more tenderly, find small talk...anything to keep him there a second longer. When he returns back home, it's like a dream come true. The butterflies flutter again. The challenge today made me realize how important it is to express my "passion" for him on a daily basis, not on the occasion he's going away or returning. Those are great times to convey my heartfelt enjoyment, but if I only react this way during those times, he would only receive that kind of affection three or so times a year! That's not healthy...or acceptable. Challenge accepted!

DAY NINE: SUCCESS 

31 days and counting...